Recommit or Quit: Or, The One Where I Need a Swift Kick in the Ass.

Things I have been doing:
baking
making these (but different colors including glittery/sparkley) for the wedding
applying to jobs
getting rejection emails from said jobs
obsessively looking at wedding stuff on etsy
designing and redesigning and obsessing over our invitations, which I can't do much about because we still don't have a venue
trying to not worry that we don't have a venue
eating and overeating and falling back into old eating habits
weighing myself and hating what I see (234.4 last time I looked)
working out every day of the week in some fashion (at least 1 hour) except Saturdays and Sundays (mainly Body Pump (3x a week) and other classes)
reading (six books completed since the end of June)
when there is sun, I lay in it
trying to not get so down that I completely lose control. 

I have been working out consistently, and if I was eating right to balance the exercise, I'd totally be rocking in the losing the weight aspect of my life.  I know that it's bigger than that though.  There are some underlying issues that get in my way after I do well for myself for a while.  I am letting the no job, no money, hatemybodyanddon'twantaweddingdressbecauseI'mfat, get to me. 

I have been in this place for a considerable amount of time, and I have been trying to not let it get to me, hence the not blogging.  My friend told me that people want to read both the good and the bad,  so I will try to write more.  I just hate being Debbie-Downer and want to be more positive. 

I'll work on it.

No shame...

I just licked the bowl to get every drop of ranch dressing possible.

I did measure the serving (2 TBSP) first!  I wanted to be sure to get my FULL 4 POINTS+ worth!!!  (holy crap.)

I also ate it with carrots and cucumber (not plain) to get a veggie serving in.

In other news, don't buy a mini-bag of Skittles to cope with helplessness and then put the info in the points calculator when you are in the car ready to tear the thing open and pour them in your mouth. 

6PTS+ people!! ONE TINY BAG OF SKITTLES.  DELICIOUS CANDY GOODNESS.  6!!!

BAH.

I didn't eat it though.  The bag is still sitting in my purse.  Taunting me.

Small victories. 


There are three loaves of oatmeal bread baking in the oven right now.

And you can bet your ass I am having a slice with butter when they are done. 

Lost steam, any thoughts other than my own?

Not sure when it happened, probably in between the cupcakes and bread, and more bread, and then the chips and oreos...but no matter when it happened, it did.  I have no motivation to track what I am eating and hold myself accountable for what I eat during the day. 

I am envious of the people who don't need to account for every single morsel that goes into their bodies, and I am irritated with my own self that I have gotten to this point where I HAVE to be accountable for every morsel or I gain weight.  I am back up.  225.5.  And I know how hard I was working, and how I am not working that hard anymore, and I know what has to right itself.  I just don't know how to start in order to get back to feeling successful again.  

The weather isn't helping, and being unemployed isn't helping.  I haven't been reading blogs as much because it is frustrating to see what I am not doing and could be doing and feeling. 

I know I will find a way out of the funk. It's taking a toll, and maybe I am keeping good things away from myself because of the negative/sad/down energy that surrounds me. 

I miss having a job. I miss being useful. I miss our housekeeper. I miss city life.


Yuk. 

I am going to get out of this.  Really.

Update: pity-party, removal of head from buttocks, and hopeful end of said pity-party.

I actually got on the scale this morning.  I didn't mean to, but I had an atrocious migraine and thought that seeing large numbers on the dreaded scale might cheer me up (can you hear the facetiousness dripping from my voice?)...

So, even though I don't think it is totally accurate (since I have been sustaining myself with Coke Zero and Mint Oreos), I am down -.2lbs and am at 218.9. 

Minor victory, but I am not celebrating. And, I know that a loss is a loss, but for me it isn't.  There are too many other factors impacting any success I have. 

I need to pull myself out of this funk I find myself in.  I have supportive people in my life--including some awesome women who post amazing encouragement here--and I need to genuinely think of the good things when I fall into gloomy-pants-land rather than going to bad habits. 

How I have been dealing with my funk the past week?  Oreos, Chips, not enough water, fruits, or veggies, not tracking anything I am eating, and overall, back to my bad habits that put me at 275+. 

I haven't even been working out with gusto.  Which makes me sad. I liked how I felt with the gusto.

My goals for April fell very short, and I think that triggered the beginning of the out-of-control.  I am trying to reign myself in slowly, and stories like Beth's are inspiring, but feel so completely unattainable at this point.  And add to that PMS, unemployment, loss of unemployment money (don't even get me started with this), and then being chosen as an "Honored Educator" by a former student at my former school when I am not teaching, and you get super-pity party in my house. 

I have been avoiding blogging because of my pity-party, not to mention avoiding friends, phone calls, and other things that actually bring me face-to-face with the outside world, but I need to knock it off.  Things could ALWAYS be worse. I need to take life as it comes, be more positive, and not be so hard on myself.  I can reflect the hell out of what I am going through, but I need to work MUCH harder at taking ACTION on what I need to do. 

Ok. End of pity-party. 

Or at least first steps toward the end...

Days like this...

I so get why people give up.

All I wanted to do after practice was eat ice cream and french fries. 

But, I ate an apple, came home and ate potato wedges that we had in the freezer for a long time now (that tasted like the freezer--yet I kept eating them), and 1 1/2 waffle that was frozen from Sunday.

Never mind that I barely let the waffle thaw out before inhaling it. 

I was doing pretty well today, but a rough practice set me off for carb-inhalation. 

And I wasn't even really hungry.  That's the worst part about this. 

In other news, my Polar watch should be in my hands tomorrow (don't tell L), and maybe that will keep me occupied for a while.  I really need a job, I am losing it. 

Craving Color

So I took some of my grand jury paycheck and bought some.

VEGGIES

And made this:
I sauteed:
olive oil
garlic (4 cloves)
1 bundle of asparagus (ends cut off)
1 zucchini (grated)
sliced mushrooms
almost a full bag of baby spinach
baby heirloom tomatoes (whole)
1 red pepper cut up

After they sauteed, I made the pasta, and then added a jar of alfredo sauce (I know not super healthy) to the veggies.
DELICIOUS!

The final result!

I am craving more fat and protein--either it is because I have gotten so far off track I can't help it, OR it is because we have had practice every night this week.  Last night I couldn't sleep, so at midnight I went and ate 3 honey pretzels and 2 little chunks of cheese.  And then I was able to fall asleep.  I need to do some more reading on what I should be eating to best fuel my body while playing football--without resorting back to bad habits--eating whatever I want whenever I want!

Proud Vs. Not Proud

Proud: Not stopping the last two nights for Shari's Cinnamon Rolls after practice.  I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted cinnamon rolls. 

Not Proud: buying a bag of Jolly Rancher Bold Fruit Smoothie jelly beans before practice and eating more than a handful.  Though I paid for that later when I wanted to hurl as I was running during practice.

Proud: Not giving up when it is hard.  I am not used to being a bench warmer.  This football experience has been humbling for me because I have been fortunate and have always been a "starter;" I don't know what sitting on the bench is like--but I am learning.  For me, it is beyond frustrating not being good at a sport.  Especially when I really WANT to be good! 

Not Proud: Emotional eating.  Sad? Eat. Frustrated? Eat. Sad? Eat.  Stressed? Eat.  Sad? Eat.  And the eating does not center around fruits and veggies.  I am overloading on sugar and fat and bread.  Last night I think I really overdid it and the excess sugar made me sick.

Proud: Recognizing what I am doing. 

Not Proud: Not really making TRUE changes.  Thinking about changes and acknowledging what I am doing is NOT ENOUGH.

Proud of myself...

Can you tell?

Me after WillPower and Grace (60 minutes) and Yoga (60 minutes)!

I was unbelievably close to NOT going to the gym tonight.   The dreary weather is getting to me, football practice tomorrow is going to be rainy, muddy, cold and gross again, and I haven't really taken a day off from actual physical movement/exertion beyond sitting on my butt on my computer chair/couch since the 6th.  Last Friday I missed my routine double-class at the gym for L's step-brother-in-law's birthday celebration dinner, and it would have been SO easy to "miss" again this week. 

And as I tried to convince myself to get my butt in gear, change out of my pjs, and get my fat butt to the gym, I realized that my downhill slides back into unhealthy began Just. Like. This. 

Terrible eating, not tracking what I eat, and CHOOSING to listen to the lazy part of my brain that just wanted to stay home and watch tv and do nothing healthy.  And that became my routine. 

I don't want that to happen again.  I realized that tonight when for the first time during WillPower and Grace I was able to do 1 FULL heart-to-heart plank--ON. MY. TOES!!!!!!!!!!  And even though I am totally far from being in love with my body, I see that I am toning up in places I had forgotten about.  I am getting stronger--proof was in my performance tonight.  I am also getting more flexible--during yoga I was able to hold poses longer than in the past, and I am more able to focus on what I CAN do rather than what I am unable to do (yet!).  I need to remember this moment, hence the post-workout (UNFLATTERING) picture.  I am proud of myself, and I need to stop sabotaging my efforts in what I eat and how I choose to refuel my body.  Next week begins a re-focus on tracking and a real effort for staying on plan. 
I won't totally go overboard this weekend--it will just be easier for tracking purposes to start on my weigh-in day. 

I feel good.  :) YAY!

Success!!!!!

Look at the height and fluffiness!! MUCH better!

Dinner turned out amazing. 
My re-do of the crusty-french bread turned out AWESOME!!!! (maybe it was bad yeast?) 
The lasagna? OMG. Best I've made.  Seriously. 

And, I will have to admit, the ability to render my friend speechless--keep in mind that since I have met her I have NEVER heard her silent--was super-rewarding.  She cleaned her plate and I am pretty sure both my guests left full and satisfied. 

I forgot to take a picture post-oven, pre-consumption.  Oops. Blame it on the Lemon-Drop and wine.

I love making food for other people!!!!

I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it NOW.

Being unemployed sucks on all levels.  Especially when I want to get this to help me in my quest.  I've read the reviews, I am fighting my fear of HRM and my larger girth, and I want it!!!  Blargh. 

Polar doesn't offer a variety of colors, but this one totally caught my eye.

The reviews say that this watch is easy to set up, the strap fits around all sizes (big and little), and it is a "life-changer."

I am nervous though because the little pod to connect it to the computer is extra, as well as any GPS functions.  I have my iPhone, so the GPS is a non-point, but since I am at the computer all the time, I'd want to have it be able to easily sync up.  But since I am too poor to even get the watch, the connector pod thingy is out of the question.

I can dream.  And save the non-existent extra money I have.  Maybe Christmas.  Maybe I will combine all of my rewards for my goals and when I hit my target weight, then I can get this.

The only problem being, this watch and its features would actually help me GET TO MY GOAL WEIGHT.

Argh.

And then I read Lori's blog about her new shoes.  And I fell in love.  And thought maybe magic shoes would make running more palatable for me.   And they aren't as expensive as I thought--clearly any purchase at all is expensive for me at this point, but still--these are WAY more reasonable than I originally anticipated!

I've lost my motivation for running--I think the rain is a clear villian in addition to my hatred for it--but I *think* nicer weather will be headed PDX's way soon, which will *hopefully* help in my motivation for running outside (I hope)--I am actually missing it.  I went back to C25K W6D1 with my own modifications the last nice non-raining day here (A WEEK AGO), and it felt good--I really think I am more about alternating walking/running--which I need to just accept and use it to my advantage. 

Either way, if I had a spare $300 in my world, these two items would be on a delivery truck headed for my house in 7-10 days. 

Missing Gramma

Every so often I am overwhelmed by how much I miss my gramma.  I think in times when I am more down, the loss of my gramma becomes more challenging for me.  She was ALWAYS there for so much of my life, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she isn't anymore. I get really sad when I think about times when I would be loud and obnoxious around her and she'd bark my name in exasperation but yet with a smirk in her tone.  Or how she ALWAYS said I was beautiful and called me "doll."   Or when I think about how proud of me she was. No matter what.  I could always count on her unconditional love.  I miss her tremendously.  This was the first birthday in my life that I didn't have a card from her--and of my cards, hers was the one I looked forward to the most.  

Please take advantage of the time you have with people you love.  The tragic events that have occurred in Japan, and are continuing to occur remind me how important it is to make the most of the time we have, and love the people we care about with ferocity.

Ipo is comforting me and helping make me feel better.

Love and miss you gramma.

What I ate Wednesday (or, while on Grand Jury Duty on Monday)...

I am going to try to do this alongside Peas and Crayons and hopefully get some other readers/tips from those who participate.  Play along! It will be fun!!

Breakfast:

No sugar needed! Yes, there are oats in there!!

1/2 C oats
1/2 C skim milk
cinnamon--plentiful amount!
1 full apple cut up
blueberries, strawberries, blackberries, and raspberries. (the last of my haul from the last Farmer's market that was in my freezer from last year)

This is my new favorite way to eat oatmeal.  It is funny that a year ago I wouldn't have been able to stomach the texture of this dish, but the hearty and satisfying mouthfeel has grown on me and I LOVE that I don't need sugar anymore either!



Lunch:

L's brother drew my name for Christmas last year, and he got me a bento box that I finally got to use on Monday for my lunch.  Let me tell you, filling it with good foods I made was super fun, and eating from it was even MORE fun!

Calzone (wrapped in saran wrap in the mesh area)
In the box clockwise starting with the dish in the back left:
Spiced Citrus Salad
Homemade Crackers
baby carrots and almonds
Stuffed Corn Muffin
Glazed Pear Muffin (dessert)
On the side of the box:
hummus
Homemade granola bar
Ranch dressing (OMG YUM)

YAY!
I'm not going to lie, I am pretty proud of myself and the fact that of the food in my bento box, I made 7/10 items that I packed.  I couldn't say this a year ago.  My lunch would have consisted of processed, fatty foods.

(If you like fun meals check out all these awesome bentos!!)

Snack on the way to practice:
1 cut up apple
3 small slices of cheddar cheese
10 almonds

Dinner:
I didn't get home from practice until 9:20, which kills me to eat that late, so I really try hard not to.
I had 1/2 a Chobani strawberry yogurt and went to bed.


Your turn!  What did YOU eat?!?!?!?!

Civic Duty...Not to be confused with staying OP...Future endeavors...

These have nothing to do with each other, but they are the topics at the forefront of my thinking at the moment.

I just ate a donut that was 4 days old.  It wasn't good.  Or fresh.  But I ate it anyway.  Why? Well, I ate some potato chips with delicious cream cheese/onion dip that L made last night, and thought that a stale Bavarian cream donut would be a good chaser.

BLARGH.

Not to mention, I didn't go to practice last night--I was hoping that maybe taking another day of not getting hit my chest/lung area would hurt less.

Anyway...
Today I showed up for my jury duty assignment. For the first time in my life.  This was a deferred summons because my first summons came when I was back living in WI and clearly couldn't make it back.  And then I forgot about it (I was rescheduled for early February), and when I realized my guffaw, I emailed for another deferral until the end of the month.  Hence today's task.

There was a snowmageddon here in PDX which caused almost all the schools in the area to be closed (oh the irony), and while it was icy, it wasn't too bad from my perspective. 

I made it (on time even), and after filling out paperwork, I waited for the next step.  Thank you iPhone for helping pass the time!

The first process involved a retired judge who came in to work for some reason who had to announce jury members for 4 grand juries.  Each grand jury would have a letter, and the letter corresponded to the day of the week the members of the jury would have  to report for the duration of the term (5 weeks!).  During the first few picks I might have thought that it would be pretty cool to be on a grand jury, plus it would give me the opportunity to not feel sorry for my unemployed ass for at least 7 hours every week for the next 5 weeks.

And then my number was called. 

To sum things up, I am on a grand jury that will hear cases for the next 5 weeks that we will have to decide whether or not to indict someone and what charges will be filed.  Wow.  I am also the alternate foreperson, and on my first day, I will volunteer to be the clerk (take notes throughout).  Hopefully no one else will want that responsibility. 

It is fascinating to see how our justice system works, and walking through the DA's offices, the thousands of files are overwhelming.  I am actually pretty honored to get to be a part of the system that makes our country so awesome. 

My laptop lunch box.  The silverware is REAL too!!!

What is also awesome is that I will get to use my bento box that L's brother got for me for Christmas because he drew my name.  It is AWESOME and I plan on filling it with awesomeness to cheer me up as I hear some not great things about humans who made bad choices. 

And, as of today, I am registered to take the following classes at a community college starting March 28th:
Chemistry for Allied Health (5 credits)
Beginning Algebra II (4 credits)
Biology for Allied Health (5 credits)
Essentials of Human Anatomy and Physiology I (4 credits)

Please keep in mind that my degree is in LITERATURE.  I have my teaching certification in LANGUAGE ARTS 9-12.  I am ONE CREDIT SHY OF MY MASTERS IN ENGLISH.

Being unemployed sucks.  Especially in the world today.  Even worse as a teacher today.  So, I am going to try to apply for the Surgical Technology program at the community college once I get these courses finished.  I am still debating Anat and Phys, and think I could take that with Microbiology the following term. 

Granted, this is all dependent on if I get Financial Aid or not, and honestly, I am very nervous because I suck balls at math and science.  This will most definitely be a challenge. 

I'd rather teach English. 

Here is the blister I got on Monday.  It hurts SO MUCH. 

Realizations...

I have reached a critical juncture in this journey.

The last time I was really serious about WW, I never really "finished."

I was hard-core for a while, but I don't even know how many months I remained dedicated. Of course there were some slip-ups, but I would get back on track and do well again, but then I finally just let my hard work slip away and gave up.

I have completed six full months of WW, working at bad habits attempting to recompense for 16 years of treating my body (my self) like crap.  I really don't want to slip again.

But I feel that the slipping up is slowly creeping up on me.  The weekends are the worst.  So are birthday celebrations with L's family--my birthday starts it all off, and then it's L's bday, then his brother's, and then his step-brother, and then his step-sister....all of which include eating as the celebration, which I enjoy being a part of.  Each weekend brings another sabotage WHICH I ALLOW. 

It isn't hard to make better choices, to make more healthy options for pot-luck events, to make "healthy" dates with friends or L, but I haven't made these healthier choices. It's about moderation--when I know that a celebration is coming, don't make unhealthy decisions during the other days.  PLAN better. 

I feel myself leaning towards taking the easy way out, giving up and returning to old habits.  I tell myself, "it's only two slices of bread with butter..." and then that becomes 4 or 6 pieces...which leads to donuts and other choices that are the bane of my existence--(it is really hard for me to eat bread in moderation).  That is why I try to avoid certain foods--even though that option isn't really working either.

So, I need to take a step back, reevaluate, and reconsider how much progress I have made because of healthy choices. 

How content and proud I am when I meet all the healthy checks, when I track everything I put in my mouth, and when I work out.  How good it really does feel when I push myself past the "I don't want to" phase and exist within the "It is much healthier for me long term when I take care of myself" realm. 

And I do love the results I am seeing--I can wear shirts I haven't been able to since before meeting L.  I don't really have any jeans I like because they are either too big or WAY too small (from a LONG time ago). I need to keep reminding myself of all I've done, celebrate, and not think so much of where I still want to go. 

Today's Meals:

Breakfast...Greek Yogurt is growing on me!

Breakfast:
1 egg: (2pts+)
1 egg white (0pt)
1 bagel thin (3 pts+)
1 tsp whipped butter (1 pt+)
fresh strawberries and pineapple (0 pt)
1/2 Chobiatta vanilla yogurt (1 pts+)
1 chicken sausage (3 pts+)
Total: 10 pts+

Lunch:

Vegetable Sandwich innards (3 pts+)
1 ciabatta roll (5 pts+)
1.6 oz pork tenderloin (2 pts+)

Lunch

1 TBSP whipped butter (2pts+)
fresh strawberries and pineapple (0 pt)
1/2 Chobiatta vanilla yogurt (2 pts+)
Total: 14 pts+

Dinner:
1 C Kashi 7 grain puff cereal (2pts+)
2/3 C milk (1 pt+)
1 banana (0pt)
***1/2 C angel hair pasta w/fancy cheese and butter that L made with two pieces of homemade meatball. (5pts+)
2 pieces of sourdough bread (4pts+)
1 tsp. whipped butter (1pt+)
Total:  13 pts.+

Dessert (I was having mad cravings...went overboard)
***4 oreo smushed 1/2 truffles (not dunked in chocolate, just mini-balls of mushed oreos mixed with cream cheese)

Dinner 1

***+ 1/2 mini m&m cake ball (YUMMY)
Total:  7pts+
***Guessing because I have NO clue what NI would be.
 

Day's Total: 44pts+
Used 10 Activity points.  :(

Activity Points earned:
Treadmill Walk 35 minutes
(In activity tracker) 4
PowerSculpt:
40 min HIGH: 10

Dinner 2

Low: 1
Total:  15

Healthy Checks:
Water: 8+
Dairy: 2
Fruit/Veggies: 5
Healthy Oil: 0 (this has GOT to change, I think that is why I am so hungry/craving bread/hungry!)
Vitamin

Activity

Cakeball--do you see the deliciousness that I was up against???

I was feeling awesome about the day until the dessert kicked my ass.  Whatever.  I have two classes at the gym I am going to tomorrow, and practice Saturday.  I'll be ok.  

Today's meals

Breakfast:

Breakfast of champions!

Bites of fresh pineapple and strawberries and kiwi (YUMMINESS) (0pt)
1 honeycrisp apple (0 pts)
2 egg whites (1 pt+)
1 egg (2 pts+)
1/4 C Monterrey/Colby shredded cheese (3pts+)
Sauteed:
1 tsp olive oil (1 pts+)
mushrooms
spinach (about 2 C)
1/4 red onion
minced garlic
Total: 7 points+

AM snack:
homemade oreo truffle 1 pt+ (guessing)

Lunch!

Lunch:
1 Chicken Sausage (3 pts+)
1 meatball (L made them homemade--I am guessing on points) 3 pts+
1 sand thin (3 pts+)
1 TBSP cream cheese (1 pts+)
1 TBSP ketchup (0 pt)
1 Chobani blueberry greek yogurt (3pts+)
Bites of  fresh pineapple and strawberries and kiwi (more deliciousness) (0pt)
Total:  13 pts+

Afternoon snack:
COKE ZERO (opts)
Before practice: 7 almonds (1pts+)

After practice: Homemade chewy granola bar (6pts+)

Dinner (when I got home from practice--late, I know--ate around 9:30 pm)
1 1/4 C generic rice krispie cereal (3pts+)
1 C skim milk (2 pts+)
1 banana (0pt)

Total: 5 pts+

Total for the Day:  33 pts+  (1 under)

I ran for 24 minutes = 7pts+
Football practice (2 hours 30 minutes):
105 minutes HIGH
30 minutes Medium
15 minutes Low
Total: 31 points

Activity Points earned:  38 pts
Healthy Checks:
Water:  8+
Dairy: 2
Fruit/Veggies: 5
Healthy Oil: 1 (I need to work on this aspect. I need to get the full 2 in on a daily basis.)
Vitamin
Activity

Not too shabby of a day!!

Retaliation...

So, my body is PISSED at me. 

And not because of all the bruises that I have or my jammed (and purple/black) pinky.  Or because I am sick and have a sore throat. 

Nope.  It is pissed at the last 24~48 hours of eating.  And now I have a headache that won't go away even with my never-fail excedrin migraine with a coke zero. Because I ate like crap.  And I think it is because I ate too much sugar.  Which honestly, I am surprised by.  I have been doing well lately.  My eating habits have significantly changed.  I didn't think that stepping off track one day would impact me this much, but it has.   

I've allowed myself to fall off course a few times before--usually it is on the weekends--and I repeat the pattern--feel guilty and contemplate my choices.  This time I don't feel guilty.  I feel gross. I feel run-down (hopefully that is just my cold). I feel like I want to barf.  I feel like I want to eat vegetables and fruits for the next month straight. 

Here are some of the things I have eaten that my body is pissed about:
Sampling of the following that I made/bought this weekend:
Oreo truffles
Mint Oreos
Pound cake (homemade)
rice krispie treats (homemade)
marshmallows (homemade)
pizza (domino's cheese small)
cheesey bread (with garlic butter dipping sauce)
waffles (yes, plural)
creamer in my coffee (full-fat/sugar/flavored)
1/2 a red velvet cakeball (this might have put me over the edge...holy sweet/rich)

Seriously, as I type I want to barf.  Gross. 
I am proud that I recognize this, but also I know that I hurt my body this weekend by not giving it what it needs to recover from the workouts I have been putting it through--especially Saturday's practice. 

I have noticed that on the weekends our fridge/pantry is pretty bare and lacking in my normal fruits and veggie selection.  I either need to have us adjust our grocery shopping day, or get more to last me the FULL week--including the weekend so I don't give in to temptation and laziness.

Seriously I feel like crap.  This might be a good thing--maybe I won't overeat at my birthday dinner tonight. 

Another Year Older....

And only slightly wiser...

Getting older isn't fun anymore.  I used to look forward to birthdays...Celebrations always included much imbibing and food of awesome.  I think the last birthday that was awesome was four years ago, when my awesome girlfriends helped me cope with turning 30 with amazing wine and food and conversation.

Five Guys....

L and I are broke this year and people have kids/lives/families or live across the country--and here, I just don't have very many people to celebrate with.

So today was a low-key day that involved going to the gym and getting my ass kicked at BodyPump (something that would never have happened in years past--I am infamous for using "but it's my birthday!" excuse)--I even upped my weights!-- an awesome nap, making of a new food, talking to friends and family, and also food I used to consume on a regular basis as a special treat. 

Five Guys (cheeseburger--grown-up size with ketchup, mayo, fried mushrooms and fried onions and a small fry) 

What I will say is, before all this portion-control I would have eaten a small fry by myself with the burger with bacon and still have been ravenous.  Tonight, L and I shared a small fry, and I didn't even use all the mayo (also unheard of pre-awareness of what I put in my body), I even ate slowly and finished AFTER L.

Cold Stone (love it oreo mintster--mint ice cream, oreos, and fudge)

Oreo Minster...damn good, but oh the gut-ache...

I should have gotten the "like it" instead of the "love it" because my gut is now in serious anger/full/pain mode. But damn, it was SO GOOD.  The smaller size would have been perfect.  And because I don't waste food, I know I overdid it.
But, tomorrow is a new day.  WI day at that.  I HAVE to run tomorrow.  Practice or not, I have to run.  Also, WW should come up with a system that allows for points to NOT COUNT on one's birthday. Maybe I will suggest it...

Note:

Nothing is appetizing after Listerine.  Not even when I know I should eat (like before practice)...
Nor does anything taste right.  At all.  GROSS.

Stupid Listerine-ee banana.

Note:

BUY MORE LISTERINE STAT.

Reasons I eat...

-boredom
-sad
-stressed
As evidence by my plate of buttered noodles and obscene amount of chips and dip I just ate.

BAH.

I was doing AWESOME too.  Yesterday was a minor debacle, but this misstep is frustrating.  ARGH.