Recommit or Quit: Or, The One Where I Need a Swift Kick in the Ass.

Things I have been doing:
baking
making these (but different colors including glittery/sparkley) for the wedding
applying to jobs
getting rejection emails from said jobs
obsessively looking at wedding stuff on etsy
designing and redesigning and obsessing over our invitations, which I can't do much about because we still don't have a venue
trying to not worry that we don't have a venue
eating and overeating and falling back into old eating habits
weighing myself and hating what I see (234.4 last time I looked)
working out every day of the week in some fashion (at least 1 hour) except Saturdays and Sundays (mainly Body Pump (3x a week) and other classes)
reading (six books completed since the end of June)
when there is sun, I lay in it
trying to not get so down that I completely lose control. 

I have been working out consistently, and if I was eating right to balance the exercise, I'd totally be rocking in the losing the weight aspect of my life.  I know that it's bigger than that though.  There are some underlying issues that get in my way after I do well for myself for a while.  I am letting the no job, no money, hatemybodyanddon'twantaweddingdressbecauseI'mfat, get to me. 

I have been in this place for a considerable amount of time, and I have been trying to not let it get to me, hence the not blogging.  My friend told me that people want to read both the good and the bad,  so I will try to write more.  I just hate being Debbie-Downer and want to be more positive. 

I'll work on it.

Lost steam, any thoughts other than my own?

Not sure when it happened, probably in between the cupcakes and bread, and more bread, and then the chips and oreos...but no matter when it happened, it did.  I have no motivation to track what I am eating and hold myself accountable for what I eat during the day. 

I am envious of the people who don't need to account for every single morsel that goes into their bodies, and I am irritated with my own self that I have gotten to this point where I HAVE to be accountable for every morsel or I gain weight.  I am back up.  225.5.  And I know how hard I was working, and how I am not working that hard anymore, and I know what has to right itself.  I just don't know how to start in order to get back to feeling successful again.  

The weather isn't helping, and being unemployed isn't helping.  I haven't been reading blogs as much because it is frustrating to see what I am not doing and could be doing and feeling. 

I know I will find a way out of the funk. It's taking a toll, and maybe I am keeping good things away from myself because of the negative/sad/down energy that surrounds me. 

I miss having a job. I miss being useful. I miss our housekeeper. I miss city life.


Yuk. 

I am going to get out of this.  Really.

Dude...

I made snickerdoodle cupcakes.  With this frosting...

Wow.

Snickerdoodle Cupcakes (24 cupcakes)

• 1 1/2 C granulated sugar, divided
• 1/2 C boiling water
• 2 eggs, separated
• 2 1/4 C all-purpose flour
• 1 T baking powder
• 1 t salt
• 1/2 C (1 stick) butter, softened
• 1 t vanilla
• 1 C milk

1. Heat 1/2 C sugar in heavy 8-inch skillet over medium heat, stirring constantly, until sugar is melted and golden brown.
2. Reduce heat to low.
3. Gradually add boiling water into sugar mixture; continue cooking until sugar is dissolved, stirring constantly. You need to stir really quickly here to keep the sugar from glomming up.
4. Beat egg whites in medium bowl at medium speed with electric mixer until soft peaks form.
5. Gradually add 1/2 C granulated sugar, beating at high speed until stiff peaks form; set aside.
6. Combine flour, baking powder and salt in medium bowl; set aside.
7. Beat butter and remaining 1/2 C sugar in large bowl until light and fluffy.
8. Beat in egg yolks and vanilla extract.
9. Gradually add sugar syrup, mixing until well blended.
10. Add dry ingredients to butter mixture alternately with milk, beating well after each addition.
11. Fold in egg white mixture.
12. Fill cupcake liners halfway full.
13.  375 F for 20 minutes--Too long, they were overcooked.   (I didn't do the cookie baked in like the original poster did, but I might try that next time.)

Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting

• 8 oz cream cheese, room temperature
• 1/4 C (half stick) butter, room temperature
  
• 1 t vanilla extract or vanilla bean paste
• 1 1/2 tsp cinnamon (add more to taste)
  
• 2-3 C powdered sugar (add more or less to make it a stiffness that you like)

1. Mix cream cheese and butter well.
2. Add vanilla and cinnamon.
3. Add powdered sugar.

I know, I know.  I am getting back on the wagon tomorrow with my weigh-in day.  I am tired of the gaining of the weight.  Company was coming for dinner, so I wanted to try a new recipe.  Yum.

Update: pity-party, removal of head from buttocks, and hopeful end of said pity-party.

I actually got on the scale this morning.  I didn't mean to, but I had an atrocious migraine and thought that seeing large numbers on the dreaded scale might cheer me up (can you hear the facetiousness dripping from my voice?)...

So, even though I don't think it is totally accurate (since I have been sustaining myself with Coke Zero and Mint Oreos), I am down -.2lbs and am at 218.9. 

Minor victory, but I am not celebrating. And, I know that a loss is a loss, but for me it isn't.  There are too many other factors impacting any success I have. 

I need to pull myself out of this funk I find myself in.  I have supportive people in my life--including some awesome women who post amazing encouragement here--and I need to genuinely think of the good things when I fall into gloomy-pants-land rather than going to bad habits. 

How I have been dealing with my funk the past week?  Oreos, Chips, not enough water, fruits, or veggies, not tracking anything I am eating, and overall, back to my bad habits that put me at 275+. 

I haven't even been working out with gusto.  Which makes me sad. I liked how I felt with the gusto.

My goals for April fell very short, and I think that triggered the beginning of the out-of-control.  I am trying to reign myself in slowly, and stories like Beth's are inspiring, but feel so completely unattainable at this point.  And add to that PMS, unemployment, loss of unemployment money (don't even get me started with this), and then being chosen as an "Honored Educator" by a former student at my former school when I am not teaching, and you get super-pity party in my house. 

I have been avoiding blogging because of my pity-party, not to mention avoiding friends, phone calls, and other things that actually bring me face-to-face with the outside world, but I need to knock it off.  Things could ALWAYS be worse. I need to take life as it comes, be more positive, and not be so hard on myself.  I can reflect the hell out of what I am going through, but I need to work MUCH harder at taking ACTION on what I need to do. 

Ok. End of pity-party. 

Or at least first steps toward the end...

Note...

My sister is in town.
I haven't been eating right.
My knee is pretty effed, but I am living in the land of denial.
I am not weighing in today.  Or this week. 
I suck.

Days like this...

I so get why people give up.

All I wanted to do after practice was eat ice cream and french fries. 

But, I ate an apple, came home and ate potato wedges that we had in the freezer for a long time now (that tasted like the freezer--yet I kept eating them), and 1 1/2 waffle that was frozen from Sunday.

Never mind that I barely let the waffle thaw out before inhaling it. 

I was doing pretty well today, but a rough practice set me off for carb-inhalation. 

And I wasn't even really hungry.  That's the worst part about this. 

In other news, my Polar watch should be in my hands tomorrow (don't tell L), and maybe that will keep me occupied for a while.  I really need a job, I am losing it. 

Civic Duty...Not to be confused with staying OP...Future endeavors...

These have nothing to do with each other, but they are the topics at the forefront of my thinking at the moment.

I just ate a donut that was 4 days old.  It wasn't good.  Or fresh.  But I ate it anyway.  Why? Well, I ate some potato chips with delicious cream cheese/onion dip that L made last night, and thought that a stale Bavarian cream donut would be a good chaser.

BLARGH.

Not to mention, I didn't go to practice last night--I was hoping that maybe taking another day of not getting hit my chest/lung area would hurt less.

Anyway...
Today I showed up for my jury duty assignment. For the first time in my life.  This was a deferred summons because my first summons came when I was back living in WI and clearly couldn't make it back.  And then I forgot about it (I was rescheduled for early February), and when I realized my guffaw, I emailed for another deferral until the end of the month.  Hence today's task.

There was a snowmageddon here in PDX which caused almost all the schools in the area to be closed (oh the irony), and while it was icy, it wasn't too bad from my perspective. 

I made it (on time even), and after filling out paperwork, I waited for the next step.  Thank you iPhone for helping pass the time!

The first process involved a retired judge who came in to work for some reason who had to announce jury members for 4 grand juries.  Each grand jury would have a letter, and the letter corresponded to the day of the week the members of the jury would have  to report for the duration of the term (5 weeks!).  During the first few picks I might have thought that it would be pretty cool to be on a grand jury, plus it would give me the opportunity to not feel sorry for my unemployed ass for at least 7 hours every week for the next 5 weeks.

And then my number was called. 

To sum things up, I am on a grand jury that will hear cases for the next 5 weeks that we will have to decide whether or not to indict someone and what charges will be filed.  Wow.  I am also the alternate foreperson, and on my first day, I will volunteer to be the clerk (take notes throughout).  Hopefully no one else will want that responsibility. 

It is fascinating to see how our justice system works, and walking through the DA's offices, the thousands of files are overwhelming.  I am actually pretty honored to get to be a part of the system that makes our country so awesome. 

My laptop lunch box.  The silverware is REAL too!!!

What is also awesome is that I will get to use my bento box that L's brother got for me for Christmas because he drew my name.  It is AWESOME and I plan on filling it with awesomeness to cheer me up as I hear some not great things about humans who made bad choices. 

And, as of today, I am registered to take the following classes at a community college starting March 28th:
Chemistry for Allied Health (5 credits)
Beginning Algebra II (4 credits)
Biology for Allied Health (5 credits)
Essentials of Human Anatomy and Physiology I (4 credits)

Please keep in mind that my degree is in LITERATURE.  I have my teaching certification in LANGUAGE ARTS 9-12.  I am ONE CREDIT SHY OF MY MASTERS IN ENGLISH.

Being unemployed sucks.  Especially in the world today.  Even worse as a teacher today.  So, I am going to try to apply for the Surgical Technology program at the community college once I get these courses finished.  I am still debating Anat and Phys, and think I could take that with Microbiology the following term. 

Granted, this is all dependent on if I get Financial Aid or not, and honestly, I am very nervous because I suck balls at math and science.  This will most definitely be a challenge. 

I'd rather teach English. 

Here is the blister I got on Monday.  It hurts SO MUCH. 

Today's baking adventures!!!

2 recipes at once.  And, now I am pretty exhausted!  But, these were fun to make and I am very excited that both recipes aren't too sweet. Looks are deceiving!!

The first recipe came from the WW board, from Vittoria, who got flack for posting a review for a "non-WW friendly" recipe review.  Which was beyond lame--people don't have to look at posts with "cupcake" in the title if they are that swayed by the written word to immediately go off track...but I digress. 
Her post led me to this post--an amazing baking site.  I also used Sara's frosting, which is seriously amazing.  Not too sweet, but thick, creamy, and rich.  AWESOME!  I also took her frosting cupcakes "course" and watched her video on  how to frost cupcakes.

Whew.
This was also my first time:

Pre-color mix...thick and gooey.

1. Exercising patience in baking.  I actually layered the colors like Sara did, and didn't get frustrated at the tediousness and throw a fit. 
2. Working with an actual frosting tip. That was metal.  For organized frosting purposes.
3. Working with gel colors--including taste free red gel.  I likey.
4. Followed the directions to the T. (Except for the vanilla debacle which will be explained later.)
5.  Prepped everything in advance.  Totally worth it. 


OK:
Colorburst Cupcakes

The setup.

recipe by ourbestbites.com
1 white cake mix
2 eggs
1 C yogurt (any smooth textured fruit flavor is fine!) or sour cream (I used plain yogurt)
1/2 C milk
1/3 C vegetable oil

Combine all ingredients until incorporated (about 30 seconds). Scrape sides of bowl and then beat on med-high speed for 2 minutes.

Divide batter according to how many colors you are using. I used 5 colors and it worked out to a little over 1 cup for each color, but each cake brand will be slightly different. (I didn't measure. I used 5 colors: red, blue, yellow, green, and purple.)

Use food coloring to color batter to desired intensity. (my favorite was yellow--barely any gel was needed for a BRIGHT color.  Green was my second favorite for the neon-ness of the color.  Least fav is purple--and purple is my favorite color, but I couldn't find a good balance of the red and the blue gel, plus it is a really ugmo purple that resulted from my attempts)


To get a layered stripe like I used, you'll want to put a spoonful of each color in the cupcake one at a time. The batter is thick, so it won't spread on it's own. A great tip is to set out a little bowl of water where you're working. (This REALLY HELPS!!) Dip your finger in the water and then gently spread the batter out. The water will make it so the batter doesn't stick to your fingers.

Another tip is to use a measuring spoon and some water to measure out how many teaspoons/tablespoons are going to fit in your cupcake. Then divide that by how many colors you have so you know how much of each color to use for each cupcake. For my 5 colors, it worked out perfectly with 2 t of each color in each cupcake. So I put in 2 t of blue in the bottom of each cupcake and spread it out with my finger. Then I put in 2 t of green on top of that, then yellow, etc.  (My order--bottom to top: purple, blue, green, red, yellow).

Bake them according to the package directions, until a toothpick comes out dry.

Layer 1

Layer 2

Layer 3

Layer 4

Layer 5

The final product!

Frosting into pastry tube.

The final result! They ROCK!!!

The inside!!!!!!!!

Frosting:
Perfect Cupcake Frosting and Filling

recipe by ourbestbites.com
3 T Flour
1/2 C milk (whole milk is best, but I used non-fat when it's all I have and it's actually fine)  (I used skim milk!!)
1/2 C real butter
1/2 C sugar (that's granulated sugar, not powdered sugar)
1 t vanilla extract, or other flavor if you wish.

Whisk together the flour and the milk. Heat in a small sauce pan on medium heat. Whisk continuously until it starts to thicken. I think this is the critical point for any of you who have had problems with this recipe. I have a feeling people are under-cooking this part. Let it cook, while stirring, until it looks like pudding (you should be able to see the bottom of the pan when you stir it). Even though it's thick, you can still it through a mesh strainer (just whisk the mixture in the strainer to push the thick stuff through) (I didn't really understand this part, so after it got to pudding stage, I scraped it into a small bowl and put it in the fridge)  and then let it cool completely to room temp. or chill it in the fridge. It needs to be cooled completely. If you don't let it cool completely, it will melt the butter and you'll have runny frosting!!

In an electric stand mixer, beat the butter and the sugar for a minute or two until well combined and fluffy. You'll want to use the whisk attachment on a stand mixer, not the flat paddle. Then while beating, add in the thickened milk mixture and the vanilla. Beat on the highest speed you can get to without it spraying all over the place for 7 minutes. Yes, 7 whole minutes, maybe even 8 or 9. I know that seems like a long time, but that's when the magic happens!  (I let it go for 8 minutes--everything Sara says is true!! It goes from gross to awesome!)

You will be scared because it will look like a weird goopy mess at first and you'll wonder what on earth you did wrong. Keep beating and something amazing happens. It goes from that goopy mess to something thick, velvety smooth, and perfectly fluffy.

Use it to fill cupcakes or other pastries, or as a frosting on top. You can't go wrong putting this on just about anything :)

One batch makes enough to frost 12 cupcakes .  (this is totally true--no extras!!)

Store at room temperature in a sealed container. Frosting may separate in the fridge, but you can store it overnight if left at room temp and in a well sealed container.

Ok. These cupcakes are amazing.  I don't know what it is: the yogurt, the butter, the frosting, but DANG.  They are moist, delicious, not too sweet, and the frosting is PERFECT!!!!

Amazing! I can't wait to see what the girls of my book club think!!

The second recipe (mind you, I was working on both of these recipes simultaneously!) came from Jenna who makes amazing food to look at and is fun to read. As to the vanilla debacle I mentioned earlier, since I had prepped before hand, I accidentally took the vanilla I measured out for this filling and added it to the cake batter instead.  Oops.  1 extra tsp. in the batter won't change the flavor that much right? 

Eggs with chocolate about to be folded in.

Sweetheart Chocolate Roll Cake

Ingredients:

6 oz semisweet chocolate

6 T butter

4 eggs, room temperature

1 cup sugar

1 cup flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp vanilla extract

Batter w/alternating dry mixture (milk was next)

1/4 cup milk

sweetheart filling:

1 stick butter, softened

2 cups powdered sugar

2 tsp vanilla extract

2 T milk

1 drop red food coloring (I didn't color mine!)

ganache topping:

1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

1 cup heavy cream

Valentine's Day sprinkles to top! (I didn't do this either!)

Preheat oven to 350.

Directions:

Butter a jelly roll pan (baking pan) and then lay a sheet of wax paper on top and butter the wax paper as well, making sure to get the sides of the pan greased.

Melt the butter and chocolate together over very low heat until smooth. Take off the heat, add the sugar and mix well.

Beat eggs until thick, pale and light. This will take about seven-eight minutes beating on high. Fold in the chocolate mixture and vanilla extract, but be careful not to over-mix (this will deflate the eggs).

Mix together the flour, baking soda and salt. Add dry ingredients alternately with milk to the cake batter, folding slowly the entire time. Make sure to get down to the bottom of the bowl with your rubber spatula!

Pre-oven

Post-oven

Spread the cake batter onto your prepared pan and smooth out to the edges, making sure the batter is evenly distributed.

Bake for 15 minutes.

While cake is cooling, beat together the softened butter and confectioner's sugar to make the frosting. Add the milk, vanilla and food coloring and beat until very light and fluffy--- about six minutes.

After the cake has cooled completely, lift the wax paper off the pan and set cake on the counter. Gently turn cake over and peel off wax paper. Spread the frosting out on top of the cake, leaving an inch free around all edges. Then, gently roll up cake. Don't worry if it rips a little bit--it will turn out fine!

Stick rolled up cake in the freezer while you prepare ganache.

Filling! (Not too sweet!)

Bring cream to a simmer on the stove. Immediately pour over chocolate chips and stir to melt. Remove cake from freezer and pour ganache over the cake, making sure all sides are covered. Cover with sprinkles and return to freezer for 30 minutes to set.

Store cake in the fridge---can be made a day ahead of time!

Ok. Time to get serious.  Cooled and flipped cake. 

Filling spread.  I don't have a fancy frosting spreader thingy. I used a rubber scraper!

ROLLED UP!

Full shot.  It looks crazy.  I am impressed as to how much it looks like a MONSTROUS Little Debbie. (Tastes WAY better though!!)

With the ganache.  And cut in half to make it more manageable/storeable.  It won't be pretty when it is time to serve it, but it will taste damn good!!! 

 Whew. I am tired.  The cake isn't too chocolatey--I kind of wish it was more chocolatey, but I think that when I eat it with the topping, any sadness I have about lack of chocolate will be alleviated.  After licking the bowl of ganache (seriously, I wished my tongue was longer to get all the chocolate goodness),  I think it will be plenty chocolatey.

Pretty productive day.  Now to do laundry and get ready for the gym--which I need from all the sampling.

Today's Meals:

Breakfast...Greek Yogurt is growing on me!

Breakfast:
1 egg: (2pts+)
1 egg white (0pt)
1 bagel thin (3 pts+)
1 tsp whipped butter (1 pt+)
fresh strawberries and pineapple (0 pt)
1/2 Chobiatta vanilla yogurt (1 pts+)
1 chicken sausage (3 pts+)
Total: 10 pts+

Lunch:

Vegetable Sandwich innards (3 pts+)
1 ciabatta roll (5 pts+)
1.6 oz pork tenderloin (2 pts+)

Lunch

1 TBSP whipped butter (2pts+)
fresh strawberries and pineapple (0 pt)
1/2 Chobiatta vanilla yogurt (2 pts+)
Total: 14 pts+

Dinner:
1 C Kashi 7 grain puff cereal (2pts+)
2/3 C milk (1 pt+)
1 banana (0pt)
***1/2 C angel hair pasta w/fancy cheese and butter that L made with two pieces of homemade meatball. (5pts+)
2 pieces of sourdough bread (4pts+)
1 tsp. whipped butter (1pt+)
Total:  13 pts.+

Dessert (I was having mad cravings...went overboard)
***4 oreo smushed 1/2 truffles (not dunked in chocolate, just mini-balls of mushed oreos mixed with cream cheese)

Dinner 1

***+ 1/2 mini m&m cake ball (YUMMY)
Total:  7pts+
***Guessing because I have NO clue what NI would be.
 

Day's Total: 44pts+
Used 10 Activity points.  :(

Activity Points earned:
Treadmill Walk 35 minutes
(In activity tracker) 4
PowerSculpt:
40 min HIGH: 10

Dinner 2

Low: 1
Total:  15

Healthy Checks:
Water: 8+
Dairy: 2
Fruit/Veggies: 5
Healthy Oil: 0 (this has GOT to change, I think that is why I am so hungry/craving bread/hungry!)
Vitamin

Activity

Cakeball--do you see the deliciousness that I was up against???

I was feeling awesome about the day until the dessert kicked my ass.  Whatever.  I have two classes at the gym I am going to tomorrow, and practice Saturday.  I'll be ok.  

Retaliation...

So, my body is PISSED at me. 

And not because of all the bruises that I have or my jammed (and purple/black) pinky.  Or because I am sick and have a sore throat. 

Nope.  It is pissed at the last 24~48 hours of eating.  And now I have a headache that won't go away even with my never-fail excedrin migraine with a coke zero. Because I ate like crap.  And I think it is because I ate too much sugar.  Which honestly, I am surprised by.  I have been doing well lately.  My eating habits have significantly changed.  I didn't think that stepping off track one day would impact me this much, but it has.   

I've allowed myself to fall off course a few times before--usually it is on the weekends--and I repeat the pattern--feel guilty and contemplate my choices.  This time I don't feel guilty.  I feel gross. I feel run-down (hopefully that is just my cold). I feel like I want to barf.  I feel like I want to eat vegetables and fruits for the next month straight. 

Here are some of the things I have eaten that my body is pissed about:
Sampling of the following that I made/bought this weekend:
Oreo truffles
Mint Oreos
Pound cake (homemade)
rice krispie treats (homemade)
marshmallows (homemade)
pizza (domino's cheese small)
cheesey bread (with garlic butter dipping sauce)
waffles (yes, plural)
creamer in my coffee (full-fat/sugar/flavored)
1/2 a red velvet cakeball (this might have put me over the edge...holy sweet/rich)

Seriously, as I type I want to barf.  Gross. 
I am proud that I recognize this, but also I know that I hurt my body this weekend by not giving it what it needs to recover from the workouts I have been putting it through--especially Saturday's practice. 

I have noticed that on the weekends our fridge/pantry is pretty bare and lacking in my normal fruits and veggie selection.  I either need to have us adjust our grocery shopping day, or get more to last me the FULL week--including the weekend so I don't give in to temptation and laziness.

Seriously I feel like crap.  This might be a good thing--maybe I won't overeat at my birthday dinner tonight. 

Another Year Older....

And only slightly wiser...

Getting older isn't fun anymore.  I used to look forward to birthdays...Celebrations always included much imbibing and food of awesome.  I think the last birthday that was awesome was four years ago, when my awesome girlfriends helped me cope with turning 30 with amazing wine and food and conversation.

Five Guys....

L and I are broke this year and people have kids/lives/families or live across the country--and here, I just don't have very many people to celebrate with.

So today was a low-key day that involved going to the gym and getting my ass kicked at BodyPump (something that would never have happened in years past--I am infamous for using "but it's my birthday!" excuse)--I even upped my weights!-- an awesome nap, making of a new food, talking to friends and family, and also food I used to consume on a regular basis as a special treat. 

Five Guys (cheeseburger--grown-up size with ketchup, mayo, fried mushrooms and fried onions and a small fry) 

What I will say is, before all this portion-control I would have eaten a small fry by myself with the burger with bacon and still have been ravenous.  Tonight, L and I shared a small fry, and I didn't even use all the mayo (also unheard of pre-awareness of what I put in my body), I even ate slowly and finished AFTER L.

Cold Stone (love it oreo mintster--mint ice cream, oreos, and fudge)

Oreo Minster...damn good, but oh the gut-ache...

I should have gotten the "like it" instead of the "love it" because my gut is now in serious anger/full/pain mode. But damn, it was SO GOOD.  The smaller size would have been perfect.  And because I don't waste food, I know I overdid it.
But, tomorrow is a new day.  WI day at that.  I HAVE to run tomorrow.  Practice or not, I have to run.  Also, WW should come up with a system that allows for points to NOT COUNT on one's birthday. Maybe I will suggest it...

Reasons I eat...

-boredom
-sad
-stressed
As evidence by my plate of buttered noodles and obscene amount of chips and dip I just ate.

BAH.

I was doing AWESOME too.  Yesterday was a minor debacle, but this misstep is frustrating.  ARGH.

My day of "rest..."

Blargh...
I am on beer # (you don't need to know....but it is more than 2 and less than 6)...just ate domino's pizza (cheese w/ mush & onions).
My football team is freaking me out.
I had a three hour practice yesterday (Go Shockwave!) and am still sore today (though not as much with the beer).
We did:
about 15 40-yard sprints
drills for D-line (me) and D-backs
ladder/hopping drill (did the jumping SUCK!!)
box drill (x2 second round my team lost, so we had to do 5 updowns which SUCK)

and other defensive stuffs.

Whew. My team just won.  I can relax now. They beat one of my most hated teams, and I can breathe now.

Ok.  I'll pay for all the drinking/eating later.  Like tomorrow for weigh-in.

Probably shouldn't have made those pancakes...

But they were SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I added blueberries that I had in the freezer from the farmer's market this summer.  So they were healthy?

Blargh.  Still.  And what is pathetic is the fact that I ate them all and they weren't totally done all the way through due to the frozen-ness of the blueberries.  But, as a good gorger does, I ate them ALL.

And now I have a gut-ache. 

ARGH.

WHEN WILL I LEARN!?!?!?!??!

Without temptation...

I do much better.

On my jog (it was going to be a long one too!), I got a text from a friend asking me to meet her at Olive Garden.  Her BF HATES the OG, and of course, never one to pass up hanging out with an awesome friend or hideous amounts of carbs, I texted (as I ran) that I'd for sure meet her.  So, I cut my run short, and met her with a plan: minimal soup, salad, and breadsticks...
Yeah, right.
That didn't happen.

And we split dessert.

Though, I will have to admit, I would have eaten an entire dessert on my own and even more breadsticks in my prior life...

Even so, I left with a gut-ache, and it is over 6 hours later and I am still disgustingly full.
And, I ate the creamy gnocchi soup too. 

Holy crap day of no restraint.

I won't even mention the beer bread I made and ate two slices of last night (9 points), or the homemade blueberry muffins I made and ate two of (8 points) last night.

DAMN YOU BREAD.

WI Monday!

226.4!

-2.9 from last week.

Not too shabby since I went OUT OF CONTROL yesterday.
I was super good until an order of breadsticks and half a cheese/mushroom original crust domino's pizza. 
Yeah. 6/7 days OP/tracking.  :(
Starting again today!

Last Gorging/Hurrah of 2010

And by "hurrah" I mean, really unhealthy, gorge myself, eat non-stop event. 

The menu tonight:

Artichoke Dip

Baked Fontina

Dipping bread and crackers

Savory Brie (Brie and sauteed garlic, mushrooms, & onions)  in Puff Pastry

Insides of the savory Brie

Sweet Brie (Brie and Apricot Simply Fruit) in Puff Pastry (not sealed that well)

Probably too much, but I am in the mood to really send off 2010.  L's contribution?  "Good thing we're not lactose intollerant."

I will have to say, even though it was good, it wasn't satisfying in the way food used to be.  I am actually pretty shocked as to how unsatisfying it was, and how much I've changed in the past few months.  Granted, I still have A GREAT AMOUNT of work to do, but food may not be my great arch enemy as in the past.  Looking forward to Monday--cleansing the system and back to a more rigorous and healthy routine. 

(**not pictured:  Prosciutto and other meats for L, Rice Krispie Treats, and L's several Old Fashioned? -s? that he made himself, complete with orange and maraschino cherry garnish.)

Happy New Year everyone!!

Insides of the sweet Brie

Transitions...

Change is good. I can do this.  I am going home to L--who I miss horrifically. And my cats. And my gym membership.
But I didn't see my mom and dad and friends as much as I'd like.
I am going back to no job and no prospects.

I need to work on not taking on the stress that surrounds me.
I'd like to improve my communication with people I care about and not let guilt wear me down.

And not medicating with food.  I need to think back to how far I've come and how I feel when I am eating right and taking care of myself.  I don't have heartburn (like now) and I don't feel gross and overstuffed.

I will also not get sick.  I know I avoided a number of icky illnesses that went around school--including a puking flu--but just because I am done teaching doesn't mean my body gets to give up and let down its guard and let the gross overcome me.

Just sayin'.

Counterproductive...

Today I ran for a full 40 minutes. Straight.
It helped that my favorite podcast that I listen to as I jog read an email I wrote on the show today!  Download it here--the show is 12/8 & my email is about 19:16 into the show.  I almost fell over because they actually tease that they are going to read my email at the beginning of the show and they say my full name--I almost fell over when I heard it!!

And then I got back, showered, and started boxing up stuff that I can mail back.  And it hit me that I am leaving soon.  And it sucks.  I will miss living with my sister.  I will miss knowing how close my mom and dad are. I will miss getting to see them or have breakfast or a fish fry with them.  So that sucks.  I miss L like crazy. I miss our nice house and our awesome bed and our amazing kitchen. I miss my car and driving it.  I even miss my gym. But when I get back, I know that I will miss my mom and dad and my sister.  It's never easy is it?

And then, I had 1 point left for the day (which sucks by the way--a large cafe karuba I track as 11 points--which is horrifying, but the cinnamon roll flavor is so beyond delicious, and it is so freeking cold here, it is the perfect drink to start my teaching day).  And my jog was 12 points, but then I ate an egg, 2 egg whites and a bagel thin.  And then I had two bites of my homemade toffee that I made for people at work.  And then I ate two pretzel/Hug wreaths.  And then I ate some puppy chow I made. Keep in mind, these were things I made as gifts.  I wanted to try the puppy chow because I didn't have enough peanut butter so I added a few butterscotch chips. I don't really like the flavor, but what did I do? I gorged myself.  I actually felt myself getting sick, more and more full, and yet I KEPT EATING.  And now I have a stomach ache and I feel yucky and I totally negated my awesome run tonight.  Which is frustrating.  And disheartening.

My first 5K is on Saturday.  Two of my amazing friends are walking it while I run it.  My mom is walking in it (I just found that out via facebook).  I am nervous.

And I REALLY need to get rid of all the homemade baked goodies so I am not even tempted to gorge myself.  BAH.

One of my favorite days...

Again, as I have mentioned numerous times, I LOVE to bake.  LOVE it!!
Holidays are no exception.
Stressful? Yes.
Relaxing? Yes.

Work in progress 1

Yep. Both in one.

Our kitchen is my second favorite place in our house.  I love all the light, the counter space, our appliances and gadgets, and basically, everything about it.  Cooking is awesome in our kitchen.  It also doesn't hurt that we choose to budget for a housekeeper to clean for us every two weeks, so destroying the kitchen isn't as time-consuming as it would be if we didn't have someone a bit more anal retentive about cleaning attending our grander messes.  This way L and I can hang out and relax on weekends for the most part, rather than spending the time cleaning.

 Most holidays I get to make the pies for any gatherings.  Sometimes I get requests for cupcakes or cookies, and sometimes I just like to surprise.  I know that L's mom loves to bake as much as I do (and she is WAY better at it), so it is nice that she relinquishes the task once in a while to me.

Work in progress 2

This year I made two pies.  I really wanted to make about 50, but I was told 2 max or we would have too many desserts (clearly, these people have not gotten the memo that "too many desserts" as a phrase does not exist in this space-time-continuum).  But, I actually listened...they never said anything about "no magic bars."

So I made a pumpkin pie.  And an apple pie.  And magic bars.  I also made a cobble 2 days before, and that was awesome.  L's going to freeze what he can't finish so I can have some when I get back for good. 

Work in progress 3

Here are my baking photos from my brief stint home.  I am pretty pleased with how everything turned out, and even though I ate far too much, and there is a really good chance that I have gained 10 pounds from unnecessary bad eating of excess, I thought this holiday was a tremendous success.

Pumpkin pie and apple pie are in good 'ole Betty Crocker, and the Magic Bars recipe is: HERE.
And seriously, they were AMAZING.  Absolutely delicious.

My old-school Betty Crocker Cookbook.  The cover is missing, and all the pages are yellowed, but hey, it has taught me some really good things, and has been with me since college.  I think my family got it at a garage sale before I was even born. 

Cobbler large view

Cobbler single serving

Pre-oven pie (filled to capacity)

Pie post-oven...still not sure if I cooked it enough, but it tasted awesome! Fresh ground nutmeg totally makes a difference!!!

Pre-lattice (but with many apples taken out--the mound WAS higher!)

Post lattice. I. Hate. Lattice.

Post Oven. 

Magic Bars--step 4 of 6.

Magic Bars out of oven

Seriously delicious.

Even better than it looked was how YUMMY they tasted.