Normal

So I am pretending that what I am experiencing is normal.

11 days.

I hate my dress.

I hate my shoes.

I hate my jewelry.

I hate my body, hair, and everything...

I hate a the homemade projects I've finished.

I hate what little decorations we will have.

I am stressed, overwhelmed, and all I want to do is eat bread.

Pulling myself out of the funk...

And forcing myself to face the reality that my bad habits are truly detrimental to all aspects of my life.  I am grouchy, tired, sluggish, and a huge debbie-downer.  

240.3

Working out 4x a week isn't helping.  Especially since I am going to 4 weightlifting classes and doing no cardio because I hate cardio.  Nevermind what I eat.  Clearly, by the weight gain, I am not making good choices.  If I had a job, I'd be back to Weight Watchers.  For now, I will use MyFitnessPal to track my calorie intake, but I won't lie--it makes me VERY crabby.

Have I mentioned that I have no job, am getting married in 26 days, and I have gained nearly half the weight that I lost back?  W.T.F.?

As my dad so helpfully reminded me, I possess genes that, when stressed, rather than not eat, instead cause much overeating.  And not overeating of carrots and celery.

Bread, bread, ice cream, bread, carbs, some more carbs, jam, ice cream, and did I mention bread?


Ok.  New day.  Here I go.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse....

It did.

Recommit or Quit: Or, The One Where I Need a Swift Kick in the Ass.

Things I have been doing:
baking
making these (but different colors including glittery/sparkley) for the wedding
applying to jobs
getting rejection emails from said jobs
obsessively looking at wedding stuff on etsy
designing and redesigning and obsessing over our invitations, which I can't do much about because we still don't have a venue
trying to not worry that we don't have a venue
eating and overeating and falling back into old eating habits
weighing myself and hating what I see (234.4 last time I looked)
working out every day of the week in some fashion (at least 1 hour) except Saturdays and Sundays (mainly Body Pump (3x a week) and other classes)
reading (six books completed since the end of June)
when there is sun, I lay in it
trying to not get so down that I completely lose control. 

I have been working out consistently, and if I was eating right to balance the exercise, I'd totally be rocking in the losing the weight aspect of my life.  I know that it's bigger than that though.  There are some underlying issues that get in my way after I do well for myself for a while.  I am letting the no job, no money, hatemybodyanddon'twantaweddingdressbecauseI'mfat, get to me. 

I have been in this place for a considerable amount of time, and I have been trying to not let it get to me, hence the not blogging.  My friend told me that people want to read both the good and the bad,  so I will try to write more.  I just hate being Debbie-Downer and want to be more positive. 

I'll work on it.

Cupcake Trial #1

I will update on life after I get my head wrapped around what I want to say--it will be forthcoming though!



I have decided to make cupcakes for our wedding.  I am going to have L's mom and stepdad choose a flavor (coconut), my parents choose a flavor, L's dad and stepmom choose a flavor, and L choose a flavor, and I will choose a flavor.  Our wedding is huge (for me), but small in the realm of wedding-land, so this isn't as crazy of an idea as it could be.  I figure I will make 1-2 batches of each flavor, and we'll be good to go.

L's dad and stepmom suggested a cappuccino flavored cupcake with a cream-cheese center, so, for his dad's birthday today, I thought I'd bring a selection of cupcakes to taste to make sure that was the flavor they wanted.  And, to try the recipes out.  So, Friday, Saturday, and this morning, I have been dabbling with recipes and making cupcakes.  I have had the opportunity to share the different flavors I made with different people, and so far the reviews have been awesome.  I am really excited about doing this--it is the ONE component of my wedding that I am excited about and can get 100% behind.

On to the cupcakes....
First, this is the flavor I think I am going to choose.  I fricken LOVE pumpkin pie, and when I saw this recipe I almost fell over.  Who would have thought?

First I made mini-cherry pies to see if I could even make mini-pies (and crusts) without poking my eye out in frustration.    SUCCESS!! My patience level must be increasing, because I actually had fun making these.  But, I need to remind myself that just because they are mini, DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD EAT 7 MINI PIES AT ONCE.    BAH.
Anyway.  With some confidence I could make the pumpkin-pie filled cupcakes, I went at it.


 Yum.  x10000000000

Mini crusts!!!

Mini pies!

Pies into batter ready to be covered in batter!

cupcake + pie = AWESOME!

Delicious, and awesome.  My pictures suck, but I am proud of how awesome, even without frosting, they turned out.  I think a mini-dollop of plain cream-cheese frosting will be the final selection for my choice.

too much frosting...

2nd, the cappuccino cupcake with a cream cheese center.  And, with my own addition thanks to the original recipe, espresso butter cream frosting.  I think that after sampling the frosting as I was making it, immediately followed by trying to eat one of these just got the better of me.  And I love sweet things, but that was too much sweet all at once for me.  L thought the frosting was too much, so I scraped off my dollops, and he reapplied new dollops. Last night, someone tried this cupcake and said I needed to open my own cupcake store with this cupcake.  I think that says it all.  I just hope L's dad likes them.  Though my friend said she'd kick his ass if he didn't like them! :)  YAY!

re-frosting

pre-baking.

Finally, I thought that to be safe, I'd bring a second choice for L's dad and stepmom to choose from--and made Tiramisu cupcakes.  Wow.  Yum-a-licious!

After getting coated in the marsala-sauce.

If I hadn't almost-picked my flavor this might have made the cut!!

Finished product!

YUMYUMYUM

I am really proud of how all three of these turned out--even though the tiramisu cupcake cake part was overcooked (stupid Martha Stewart recipe was off by 3 minutes!!!), and the cappuccino cupcakes had too much frosting (and a BOATLOAD left over too!!). 


While NONE of these are good for WW, they make me happy to bake.  I am pumped for my guests to eat them and see the looks on their faces as they try each flavor--my dad said,  "People better get in line fast to get some!"

Update post will follow soon.  I do wish I could mail cupcakes--my parents would love to sample these, and I know Julia would love them as she hangs out with her son!

Homemade Yumm! bowl!

I super-love Cafe Yumm! I am in love with the Yumm-Baby bowl.
So, today I bought a giant jug of Yumm! sauce, and made my own bowl.  Or, plate.  That I used a fork with because I was too hungry to mess with chopsticks.

Jasmine rice, corn, black beans, tomato, cilantro, avocado, Yumm! sauce, and Greek yogurt

It was AMAZING!!!!

I love how filling and fresh this is.  And, if I were to calculate the points (which I will do at some point), I don't think this is too bad of a meal.
I wish I could adequately describe Yumm! sauce, but just trust me, it is awesome, can be eaten on anything, and it hard to replicate (my ex-colleague who basically drinks the stuff she loves it so much tried to make it herself several times and failed).

YUMMY!

No shame...

I just licked the bowl to get every drop of ranch dressing possible.

I did measure the serving (2 TBSP) first!  I wanted to be sure to get my FULL 4 POINTS+ worth!!!  (holy crap.)

I also ate it with carrots and cucumber (not plain) to get a veggie serving in.

In other news, don't buy a mini-bag of Skittles to cope with helplessness and then put the info in the points calculator when you are in the car ready to tear the thing open and pour them in your mouth. 

6PTS+ people!! ONE TINY BAG OF SKITTLES.  DELICIOUS CANDY GOODNESS.  6!!!

BAH.

I didn't eat it though.  The bag is still sitting in my purse.  Taunting me.

Small victories. 


There are three loaves of oatmeal bread baking in the oven right now.

And you can bet your ass I am having a slice with butter when they are done. 

Lost steam, any thoughts other than my own?

Not sure when it happened, probably in between the cupcakes and bread, and more bread, and then the chips and oreos...but no matter when it happened, it did.  I have no motivation to track what I am eating and hold myself accountable for what I eat during the day. 

I am envious of the people who don't need to account for every single morsel that goes into their bodies, and I am irritated with my own self that I have gotten to this point where I HAVE to be accountable for every morsel or I gain weight.  I am back up.  225.5.  And I know how hard I was working, and how I am not working that hard anymore, and I know what has to right itself.  I just don't know how to start in order to get back to feeling successful again.  

The weather isn't helping, and being unemployed isn't helping.  I haven't been reading blogs as much because it is frustrating to see what I am not doing and could be doing and feeling. 

I know I will find a way out of the funk. It's taking a toll, and maybe I am keeping good things away from myself because of the negative/sad/down energy that surrounds me. 

I miss having a job. I miss being useful. I miss our housekeeper. I miss city life.


Yuk. 

I am going to get out of this.  Really.