Dumb things.

Our not great vacuum broke.  Our house got disgusting.  Our new vacuum arrived.  L's purchase.  I've always wanted a Dyson.  But this STUPID STUPID vacuum doesn't have an on/off switch.  And I am bawling because it just feels like it is more work. Totally irrational and illogical.  Totally stupid.  I hate it.  I hate it I hate it I hate it.  My fingers/wrist hurt from attempting to vacuum the stairs and I came really close to throwing the fucking thing against the wall.
Seriously.  I have issues.  So I duct-taped the old crappy vacuum and I am going to hide it and use that from now on.  I hate the rain and I think I am getting sick and I hate this stupid vacuum.

Once Upon A Time

There was a girl who loved teaching.

Two years went by where she was denied her passion.  

And then she got her dream job, dream classes, dream students, dream colleague who is was her friend. 

But this dream job was five states away from her husband of nine months, over 1,800 miles away.

She dove in planning and preparing for the school year, nervous and excited for what was to come.  

But then this girl got a random call for an interview--for a job an hour away from her home with her husband. In the same state.  

And she went to the interview thinking nothing of it, but did her best as she always does.  

And the school didn't wait the 48-72 hours they said they needed to before they called her.  They called her the following evening to offer her the job--they wanted her for their school.

And then life got stressful for the girl. She weighed the pros and cons of each job, and agonized for a week about what to do.  She really wanted the dream job that was far away--she wanted to be a part of an academically challenging school, and wanted a chance to really push herself intellectually.  But she wanted to be with her husband and establish herself as a teacher in the same area that her husband lived.  

And so the girl had to decide and she made her choice.  And she will be staying in her state with her newly-started family, and she will be able to establish herself in her area.  

But she had to let people down, and disappoint people she loves.  And she feels horrible about it.  More devastated than she ever imagined.   Her intent was never to hurt or let down anyone.  She only wanted to teach.  She was willing to move across the country away from her husband to accomplish what she wanted, but never thought anything like this would happen.  

It is hard for the girl to be excited when she feels so guilty and crappy for letting people down.  In time, it will be ok.  Right now she will mourn and eventually she will find peace with her decision.  

Letting it get to me...

and I am not working out like I should be.  I am eating poorly as well.

The thought that I will have to live apart from my husband in order to have a job is really bothering me.      I need to just live in the moment, stop sleeping so much, and be glad for what I have.  Things could be so much worse, I could be in much more dire circumstances.  Things will work out.  Everything happens for a reason, I will be ok, and we will be ok.  

Oh how little I've learned....

Or at least, how little I've changed...

I won't get on the scale (yet) because I am sure that I am back where I started oh so long ago.  All the hard work I put in, completely negated by very poor choices, and the last two months of eating without any regard to portion sizes or calories paired with not working out. At.All.  Yikes.

Body Pump was brutal today, as was Zumba before, but I burned 551 calories during Zumba and 583 calories during Body Pump.  Clearly supporting the fact that I have gained a significant amount of weight, as well as falling back out of shape.
I also have lost all the strength I had built up when I was a rockstar at the gym for several months in a row.

I can see the heaviness I've gotten back in my face, and I feel it in my clothes--and I am pretty grossed out at this point.  I know there has to be a better balance in my life, and I know that I have to figure it out sooner rather than later.  I know the benefits to being healthier, and I know that I feel 10000000X better when I am in shape and lighter and eating right.  I love how I feel when I am more active, and I like being active more when I am lighter.

I need to get back on track, and when I get my first paycheck I hope to re-join WW while I am in Wisconsin to get back into good patterns.  I was much more successful with the accountability and  tracking and overall methods, and I am going to need something as I will be far away from my husband and life here in Oregon and don't want to lose complete control which I could see happen.  I just wish there were 24 hour Fitness clubs out there.  That will be something else I need to think about.

I am not beating myself up (maybe I should be more than I am), nor am I feeling sorry for myself.  I know what the research says about the first year of marriage and  weight gain betwixt partners, and I know what to do to make things better.  I just have chosen not to.  I need to take my advice and make good choices myself.  I guess I just have been existing in the world where I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted and have no consequences.  I don't know why--that was in effing HIGH SCHOOL for goodness sake.  BAH.

I'm working on things.  

Employed...

And, there is a reason the title doesn't say EMPLOYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been offered a position in Wisconsin.  In Eau Claire.  The best of four positions they had available. Full-time, permanent.

I am filled with such dual emotions, that the war within me is draining.

I am thrilled that I have a job.
I am sad that it is so far away.
I am thankful to be able to be near my mom and dad and sister.
I am beyond sad that my husband will be several states away.
I am so excited to have a real, live teaching job, in a school that wants me and values me and appreciates who I am and what I stand for.
I am sad that I can't find that here in PDX--I can't even get an interview.
I am pumped to work with my mentor and friend.
I am sad to think of missing book club.
I am nervous and giddy to start all over again.
I am sad to have real winter again in my near future.
I am thrilled that I will be able to watch my Packers without leaving my house...that is, if I will be able to even afford a tv or cable.

Other things I am thinking about:
Re-packing. (thumbs down)
Driving across the country.
Do I bring my cats to keep me company?
ARGH renting in a college town.
Gym? WW?  ARGH
I have a job! Teaching!
I wish my husband didn't have such an awesome job here...I wish I could find this awesome of an opportunity here.
I can finally finish my Masters...

You'd be good with those "honors" kids...

I'm sick of hearing this. I am sick of the bar being so low that any semblance of academic rigor ignites riots in the classroom.  I have heard the "honors kids" comment several times since taking this long-term job, and many times in my first teaching position.  I am willing to adjust my teaching, but no one is able to explain how--other than dumbing down what I do so much that it becomes pointless.  Which I am NOT willing to do.  I seem to be on an endless rollercoaster of good and horrific days, but I don't remember ever feeling so incompetent or so alone in my whole life.  I am "canceling" three of my assignments because I can't take it anymore.  Yes, I am letting them win and yes it bothers me.  But I don't want to suffer through the excuses, or the garbage writing, or the mean comments I am bombarded with every.single.day.  I have been in a no-win situation from day one, and haven't felt supported, and still don't.  Rather, I feel alone, judged, and incompetent.  I was even asked today if I "even like[d]" teaching by the person who is supposed to be "co-teaching" with me.  WTF? Who are you to ask me that?  [I had several paragraphs here detailing certain issues, but as I am growing up, I am being smarter about my online presence.  It sucks.]  I know I need a thicker skin. I know it more than anyone can imagine.  My life would be so much better if I had that thick skin.

Warm body.

I know that many say the challenges that arise in one's life are only as much as the individual can handle.

I'm really tired of repeating this to myself.

When asked what I was going to do this summer (in the middle of my class mind you, by the other "teacher" in the room who is supposed to be co-teaching with me), my response, instantly, is "I have to find a job."

I can't even think of anything else.  All that weighs on my mind is what am I going to do when I am done with this position and I am left with no income, and no job in sight.

Add to that the challenges I am facing in the classroom right now, because I am NOT a warm body, and because I DO care, and I am at my breaking point.

I am not working out, I am not eating well.  I am not making good decisions, and I have to put a stop to my bad choices.

And maybe I'll just be that warm body that everyone wishes I was.

Working. And loving/hating every minute of it!

And hating it only because it is ROUGH to come into someone's classroom with only 8 weeks left in the year.  ROUGH to come into a classroom where academics weren't the priority which is the opposite of my mentality and approach to teaching.

But I am loving the students, the challenge, the planning, the preparation, the grading (yes! I know!!!!), BUT I HAVE  A JOB!!!  Even if it ends June 15, I am so lucky to be working and teaching and doing what I LOVE!!!!

My husband isn't a fan of unions. Especially when I tell him how the majority of people who are in the department I am a part of complain about everything.  About prep time loss and all the work they have to do and no time to do it all and what? they are changing the standards again?

And all I can do is feel so lucky to have a job.  And envious of the direction the district is going in for the students--exciting and positive changes for the better--to help students!!

I must, I will, remember this in the future--if I ever get a permanent teaching job and things are rough--teaching is awesome.  Working to be better for my students is awesome.  I am so lucky.

Oh yeah...working out has taken a back seat.  But I have still gotten to the gym at least one time a week since I started back working, which is HUGE for me.  I am making myself go tomorrow and will fight the tired.

And my lunch period isn't until 1--so I am eating MUCH less.  Well, until I get home.  I'm working on it.  And I have to avoid buying cake.  (Safeway's sheet cake sliced individually--but HUGE--soooooo good....)