23 February 2012


I spent Body Pump today finding new ways to avoid looking at someone's ass that was hanging out of her pants.  
It wasn't much of an ass at all, so I am thankful for that because if she had an ass, I would have seen crack and not flesh, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  

I am OCD when it comes to classes at the gym.  I really have this thing where I HAVE to be in the back of the room--preferably in the corner away from the door/windows.  I get super anxious if I am not the first one in the room before anyone else, so much so that on Mondays and Wednesdays I go to the 9:30 Zumba class before Body Pump (10:30) at ~8:55 to get my "spot."  

I know.  

Thursdays there is a Silver Sneakers class before Body Pump (this is another post in itself, but seriously, the elderly participants make my heart melt), and I sit in front of the door on the floor reading until that class is done.  I get my spot, set up my stuff, and three people set up in front of me.  The woman directly in front of me is shorter, so the tall skinny woman in front of her were hard to miss.  

And I wish I would have missed it.  The pants debacle is now permanently seared in my mind.  

About halfway through the squat track (the second track of the workout--only about 6 minutes into class) I noticed a fleshy spot on tall skinny woman's ass area.  I didn't think much of it, hell, I live in Portland.  Have you seen any episodes of Portlandia?  People here are EFFING WEIRD.  But the fleshy area kept drawing my gaze.   

I thought to myself during dead lifts as my eye kept seeing the BRIGHT FLESHY SPOT WHERE AN ASS CRACK SHOULD HAVE BEEN:  what if it was me with a gaping hole in the ass of my workout pants, and there were MANY people behind me who could totally see my ass-area and I was bending and thrusting during dead lifts and clean and presses?  I'd sure as hell want to be told about my enormous faux-pa.  And people, my ass is enormous.  Hence why I don't wear anything that could potentially expose flesh in the ass area.  
But then I thought, maybe she's got faux flesh-colored fabric on her ass of her pants--like the stuff ice skaters have on their leotards to not have a boob fly free during a jump spin, or whatever purpose it serves.  

I wrestled with this argument in my brain for the entirety of class.  Ultimately, I spent the rest of class attempting to divert my eyes from the backside of tall skinny woman.  Dear god though, I had to just close my eyes during dynamic lunges.  

And then, after cool down and tall skinny woman was putting away her equipment, I noticed that her ass was all black--she had zipped her ass back in her pants! HOORAY!!!  Luckily, major trauma was averted because tall skinny woman had no ass to speak of, and no crack was exposed that I am aware of.  So I count my blessings. 
*Please note, tall, skinny woman's pants weren't pink, nor was there a tie back (it was a zipper), BUT if you use your imagination, and envision the flesh-colored hole about two-three inches lower, and black pants and no tie, that is what I got to see (actually, had to avoid seeing) for the duration of Body Pump.  
It impacted me so much that I immediately had to DRAW A PICTURE when I got in my car after class.  I am not artistic.  But I wanted to remember to blog about the incident.
I am FAR from artistic. Please note, she really was that skinny.  And note that I was also trying to draw her see-through shirt over her black sports bra, which seems to be all the rage right now.  P.S. I suck at drawing. 

Other stuff beyond ass viewage.  I just thought I wasn't a "good" sleeper, and that whatever was "wrong" with me was something I'd have to deal with.  So what if I woke up at 2AM and couldn't fall back asleep until 4, but then I'd sleep until 7 or 8.  This morning was no different, except I did this three times (sleep, wake up for an hour or so, repeat).  And a friend posted (randomly) on facebook this story, and now I feel much better.  Or, more "normal" and less like there is something wrong with me, because it doesn't really seem like there is.  

Also, I got on the scale, and I REALLY did NOT like the number I saw so I ate some gummy bears.  And a 1/2 loaf of homemade banana bread.  Because I needed my fruit serving for the day.  

Or so I tell myself.


  1. So funny! I have to be in the back of the room when I take a class, too. My friend put me in the front of a spin class once and it was traumatic. Motivating, though, because I didn't want to embarass myself so I pedaled like hell.

  2. I'd probably die if I had to be in the front of class!!!

  3. oh my, this is effing hilarious!!!! thanks for the laugh. i love the image of the flesh-colored fabric like ice skaters have on their costumes! if it happens again i think you should say something to her, LOL. Are you aware that your a-crack is hanging out and someone may go home and blog about it???


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