17 October 2010

How I grieve...Part III (& not as healthy choices)

So, after yesterday's sleeping marathon, I happened to get an email from my mom about my grandpa being in the hospital.  His kidneys aren't doing what they should and he tore a tendon in a bicep from falling.

Grandpa in the hospital today.
I went today at about 11:30 this morning.  Thought we could watch the Packer game together and chill.  Well, he wasn't in the room when I got there so I had a mini-panic attack, but he was only getting an MRI.  And then, at about 1PM, the doctor came in.

My grandpa is dying and doesn't have much more time.  The levels of whatever it is that the doctor was telling me about were ridonkulous.  The doctor said that if he or I had those same levels in our systems, we'd be pools of jelly.  The kidney thing has been a problem for quite a while for my grandpa to have adapted to the point that he is still normally functioning and actually himself with such atrocious levels of whatever it is that it is.

The doctor also told my grandpa that it is the beginning of the end.  That of all the ways to go, this was one of the more peaceful/painless ways.  He admitted it was morbid, but grandpa has been alive for 94 years, and doesn't want dialysis, and it is the reality.  I appreciated that.  I don't appreciate what this is doing to my mom or my sister.  I knew that after we lost gramma, grandpa wouldn't want to hang on much longer, I just didn't expect to be so shortly after.
Initially, my blog today was going to be about how much I miss my gramma, and wondering if I would always feel like crap on Sundays now that this was the day I lost gramma.  And how I saw a beautiful hawk nosedive into a truck in front of me on the highway and I saw him twitch and die, and how I just bawled after seeing that.
But now I am losing my last grandparent. I have school tomorrow, and am just not totally functioning.  And then, for dinner, I made one of the shittiest decisions and ate the following:

And though it was comforting and warm and wonderful (I only ate 1/2 the topperstix and 1/2 the quesadilla), I recorded the points and now feel disgusting.  Worth it? Nope.  I knew it wouldn't be, but I did it anyway. I really have to work on that.

1 comment:

  1. So sorry you're going through this again and so quickly after losing your Grandma. While not surprising in the least it is still very painful. My Aunt and Uncle were married over 50 years, after Bernice died my Uncle followed quickly behind. Same with my Grandma and Grandpa, Grandma went first and Grandpa quickly followed. It is sad for those of us left behind to grieve but understandable as well.


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