Yummmmmmmm

That is all.

Dumb things.

Our not great vacuum broke.  Our house got disgusting.  Our new vacuum arrived.  L's purchase.  I've always wanted a Dyson.  But this STUPID STUPID vacuum doesn't have an on/off switch.  And I am bawling because it just feels like it is more work. Totally irrational and illogical.  Totally stupid.  I hate it.  I hate it I hate it I hate it.  My fingers/wrist hurt from attempting to vacuum the stairs and I came really close to throwing the fucking thing against the wall.
Seriously.  I have issues.  So I duct-taped the old crappy vacuum and I am going to hide it and use that from now on.  I hate the rain and I think I am getting sick and I hate this stupid vacuum.

Once Upon A Time

There was a girl who loved teaching.

Two years went by where she was denied her passion.  

And then she got her dream job, dream classes, dream students, dream colleague who is was her friend. 

But this dream job was five states away from her husband of nine months, over 1,800 miles away.

She dove in planning and preparing for the school year, nervous and excited for what was to come.  

But then this girl got a random call for an interview--for a job an hour away from her home with her husband. In the same state.  

And she went to the interview thinking nothing of it, but did her best as she always does.  

And the school didn't wait the 48-72 hours they said they needed to before they called her.  They called her the following evening to offer her the job--they wanted her for their school.

And then life got stressful for the girl. She weighed the pros and cons of each job, and agonized for a week about what to do.  She really wanted the dream job that was far away--she wanted to be a part of an academically challenging school, and wanted a chance to really push herself intellectually.  But she wanted to be with her husband and establish herself as a teacher in the same area that her husband lived.  

And so the girl had to decide and she made her choice.  And she will be staying in her state with her newly-started family, and she will be able to establish herself in her area.  

But she had to let people down, and disappoint people she loves.  And she feels horrible about it.  More devastated than she ever imagined.   Her intent was never to hurt or let down anyone.  She only wanted to teach.  She was willing to move across the country away from her husband to accomplish what she wanted, but never thought anything like this would happen.  

It is hard for the girl to be excited when she feels so guilty and crappy for letting people down.  In time, it will be ok.  Right now she will mourn and eventually she will find peace with her decision.  

Letting it get to me...

and I am not working out like I should be.  I am eating poorly as well.

The thought that I will have to live apart from my husband in order to have a job is really bothering me.      I need to just live in the moment, stop sleeping so much, and be glad for what I have.  Things could be so much worse, I could be in much more dire circumstances.  Things will work out.  Everything happens for a reason, I will be ok, and we will be ok.  

Oh how little I've learned....

Or at least, how little I've changed...

I won't get on the scale (yet) because I am sure that I am back where I started oh so long ago.  All the hard work I put in, completely negated by very poor choices, and the last two months of eating without any regard to portion sizes or calories paired with not working out. At.All.  Yikes.

Body Pump was brutal today, as was Zumba before, but I burned 551 calories during Zumba and 583 calories during Body Pump.  Clearly supporting the fact that I have gained a significant amount of weight, as well as falling back out of shape.
I also have lost all the strength I had built up when I was a rockstar at the gym for several months in a row.

I can see the heaviness I've gotten back in my face, and I feel it in my clothes--and I am pretty grossed out at this point.  I know there has to be a better balance in my life, and I know that I have to figure it out sooner rather than later.  I know the benefits to being healthier, and I know that I feel 10000000X better when I am in shape and lighter and eating right.  I love how I feel when I am more active, and I like being active more when I am lighter.

I need to get back on track, and when I get my first paycheck I hope to re-join WW while I am in Wisconsin to get back into good patterns.  I was much more successful with the accountability and  tracking and overall methods, and I am going to need something as I will be far away from my husband and life here in Oregon and don't want to lose complete control which I could see happen.  I just wish there were 24 hour Fitness clubs out there.  That will be something else I need to think about.

I am not beating myself up (maybe I should be more than I am), nor am I feeling sorry for myself.  I know what the research says about the first year of marriage and  weight gain betwixt partners, and I know what to do to make things better.  I just have chosen not to.  I need to take my advice and make good choices myself.  I guess I just have been existing in the world where I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted and have no consequences.  I don't know why--that was in effing HIGH SCHOOL for goodness sake.  BAH.

I'm working on things.  

Employed...

And, there is a reason the title doesn't say EMPLOYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been offered a position in Wisconsin.  In Eau Claire.  The best of four positions they had available. Full-time, permanent.

I am filled with such dual emotions, that the war within me is draining.

I am thrilled that I have a job.
I am sad that it is so far away.
I am thankful to be able to be near my mom and dad and sister.
I am beyond sad that my husband will be several states away.
I am so excited to have a real, live teaching job, in a school that wants me and values me and appreciates who I am and what I stand for.
I am sad that I can't find that here in PDX--I can't even get an interview.
I am pumped to work with my mentor and friend.
I am sad to think of missing book club.
I am nervous and giddy to start all over again.
I am sad to have real winter again in my near future.
I am thrilled that I will be able to watch my Packers without leaving my house...that is, if I will be able to even afford a tv or cable.

Other things I am thinking about:
Re-packing. (thumbs down)
Driving across the country.
Do I bring my cats to keep me company?
ARGH renting in a college town.
Gym? WW?  ARGH
I have a job! Teaching!
I wish my husband didn't have such an awesome job here...I wish I could find this awesome of an opportunity here.
I can finally finish my Masters...

You'd be good with those "honors" kids...

I'm sick of hearing this. I am sick of the bar being so low that any semblance of academic rigor ignites riots in the classroom.  I have heard the "honors kids" comment several times since taking this long-term job, and many times in my first teaching position.  I am willing to adjust my teaching, but no one is able to explain how--other than dumbing down what I do so much that it becomes pointless.  Which I am NOT willing to do.  I seem to be on an endless rollercoaster of good and horrific days, but I don't remember ever feeling so incompetent or so alone in my whole life.  I am "canceling" three of my assignments because I can't take it anymore.  Yes, I am letting them win and yes it bothers me.  But I don't want to suffer through the excuses, or the garbage writing, or the mean comments I am bombarded with every.single.day.  I have been in a no-win situation from day one, and haven't felt supported, and still don't.  Rather, I feel alone, judged, and incompetent.  I was even asked today if I "even like[d]" teaching by the person who is supposed to be "co-teaching" with me.  WTF? Who are you to ask me that?  [I had several paragraphs here detailing certain issues, but as I am growing up, I am being smarter about my online presence.  It sucks.]  I know I need a thicker skin. I know it more than anyone can imagine.  My life would be so much better if I had that thick skin.

Warm body.

I know that many say the challenges that arise in one's life are only as much as the individual can handle.

I'm really tired of repeating this to myself.

When asked what I was going to do this summer (in the middle of my class mind you, by the other "teacher" in the room who is supposed to be co-teaching with me), my response, instantly, is "I have to find a job."

I can't even think of anything else.  All that weighs on my mind is what am I going to do when I am done with this position and I am left with no income, and no job in sight.

Add to that the challenges I am facing in the classroom right now, because I am NOT a warm body, and because I DO care, and I am at my breaking point.

I am not working out, I am not eating well.  I am not making good decisions, and I have to put a stop to my bad choices.

And maybe I'll just be that warm body that everyone wishes I was.

Working. And loving/hating every minute of it!

And hating it only because it is ROUGH to come into someone's classroom with only 8 weeks left in the year.  ROUGH to come into a classroom where academics weren't the priority which is the opposite of my mentality and approach to teaching.

But I am loving the students, the challenge, the planning, the preparation, the grading (yes! I know!!!!), BUT I HAVE  A JOB!!!  Even if it ends June 15, I am so lucky to be working and teaching and doing what I LOVE!!!!

My husband isn't a fan of unions. Especially when I tell him how the majority of people who are in the department I am a part of complain about everything.  About prep time loss and all the work they have to do and no time to do it all and what? they are changing the standards again?

And all I can do is feel so lucky to have a job.  And envious of the direction the district is going in for the students--exciting and positive changes for the better--to help students!!

I must, I will, remember this in the future--if I ever get a permanent teaching job and things are rough--teaching is awesome.  Working to be better for my students is awesome.  I am so lucky.

Oh yeah...working out has taken a back seat.  But I have still gotten to the gym at least one time a week since I started back working, which is HUGE for me.  I am making myself go tomorrow and will fight the tired.

And my lunch period isn't until 1--so I am eating MUCH less.  Well, until I get home.  I'm working on it.  And I have to avoid buying cake.  (Safeway's sheet cake sliced individually--but HUGE--soooooo good....)

Irony? Bad Luck? Both.

So.  School was closed for tomorrow.  The principal announced this to the students congregating on the turf after they walked out of class to support the teachers.  If the teachers strike and I don't show up to work, I lose my job.  If I cross the picket line, I lose the respect of professionals I'd have to work with for the remainder of the year.  And any possibility of working in that district ever.

Anyone want to be me?


All.I.Want.To.Do.Is.Teach.
:(

Pinky toe...

In the door.  On Monday, I start a long-term substitute teaching position at a high school about 29.1 miles away (about a 45 minute drive).  It will be for freshman English and junior English and I am going to do everything I can to keep my head down, work hard, keep my mouth shut, and get a good letter of recommendation.  It is for the rest of the school year, and I am holding back my excitement at actually being in the classroom again.  Mainly because the teachers in the district have voted to strike if contract issues aren't resolved, and then I am totally screwed.  Even though I am not part of the union, if I cross the picket line to work, I will be considered a scab and will never work in the area again.  Never mind that I won't be able to get unemployment and I have no money.  I really hate unions right now.  I wish just once, unions would help me rather than screw me over.  I know that they have done amazing things, and that they are needed, I just have had too many bad experiences to be excited and supportive right now.  So it looks like I will get to work about a week, and then there is the potential that they go on strike.  Awesome.  

Today's Project (don't let the picture fool you, there WAS a pietastrophy!)

I am still looking for where I found the recipe, and I'll update when I find it.  It is a nummy lemon meringue pie (if you were wondering) homemade crust and everything!! I don't think it will be as lemony as I'd like (I usually add more than the recipe calls for, but I only had one full lemon and 1/2 an older lemon to work with, and for a couple of tablespoons extra I didn't want to drive to the store.

Surprise.

I haven't gone to the gym Monday, yesterday, and I am avoiding it today.
I have been eating like absolute sh!t, and I think that has a huge part to play in why I feel so gross and lethargic.
I am sick of the rain.

I'm mainly sad that I am being so unhealthy and suffering the price, all because of my own choices.

Awkward.

I spent Body Pump today finding new ways to avoid looking at someone's ass that was hanging out of her pants.  

It wasn't much of an ass at all, so I am thankful for that because if she had an ass, I would have seen crack and not flesh, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  

I am OCD when it comes to classes at the gym.  I really have this thing where I HAVE to be in the back of the room--preferably in the corner away from the door/windows.  I get super anxious if I am not the first one in the room before anyone else, so much so that on Mondays and Wednesdays I go to the 9:30 Zumba class before Body Pump (10:30) at ~8:55 to get my "spot."  

I know.  

Thursdays there is a Silver Sneakers class before Body Pump (this is another post in itself, but seriously, the elderly participants make my heart melt), and I sit in front of the door on the floor reading until that class is done.  I get my spot, set up my stuff, and three people set up in front of me.  The woman directly in front of me is shorter, so the tall skinny woman in front of her were hard to miss.  

And I wish I would have missed it.  The pants debacle is now permanently seared in my mind.  

About halfway through the squat track (the second track of the workout--only about 6 minutes into class) I noticed a fleshy spot on tall skinny woman's ass area.  I didn't think much of it, hell, I live in Portland.  Have you seen any episodes of Portlandia?  People here are EFFING WEIRD.  But the fleshy area kept drawing my gaze.   

I thought to myself during dead lifts as my eye kept seeing the BRIGHT FLESHY SPOT WHERE AN ASS CRACK SHOULD HAVE BEEN:  what if it was me with a gaping hole in the ass of my workout pants, and there were MANY people behind me who could totally see my ass-area and I was bending and thrusting during dead lifts and clean and presses?  I'd sure as hell want to be told about my enormous faux-pa.  And people, my ass is enormous.  Hence why I don't wear anything that could potentially expose flesh in the ass area.  

But then I thought, maybe she's got faux flesh-colored fabric on her ass of her pants--like the stuff ice skaters have on their leotards to not have a boob fly free during a jump spin, or whatever purpose it serves.  

I wrestled with this argument in my brain for the entirety of class.  Ultimately, I spent the rest of class attempting to divert my eyes from the backside of tall skinny woman.  Dear god though, I had to just close my eyes during dynamic lunges.  

And then, after cool down and tall skinny woman was putting away her equipment, I noticed that her ass was all black--she had zipped her ass back in her pants! HOORAY!!!  Luckily, major trauma was averted because tall skinny woman had no ass to speak of, and no crack was exposed that I am aware of.  So I count my blessings. 

*Please note, tall, skinny woman's pants weren't pink, nor was there a tie back (it was a zipper), BUT if you use your imagination, and envision the flesh-colored hole about two-three inches lower, and black pants and no tie, that is what I got to see (actually, had to avoid seeing) for the duration of Body Pump.  

It impacted me so much that I immediately had to DRAW A PICTURE when I got in my car after class.  I am not artistic.  But I wanted to remember to blog about the incident.

I am FAR from artistic. Please note, she really was that skinny.  And note that I was also trying to draw her see-through shirt over her black sports bra, which seems to be all the rage right now.  P.S. I suck at drawing. 

Other stuff beyond ass viewage.  I just thought I wasn't a "good" sleeper, and that whatever was "wrong" with me was something I'd have to deal with.  So what if I woke up at 2AM and couldn't fall back asleep until 4, but then I'd sleep until 7 or 8.  This morning was no different, except I did this three times (sleep, wake up for an hour or so, repeat).  And a friend posted (randomly) on facebook this story, and now I feel much better.  Or, more "normal" and less like there is something wrong with me, because it doesn't really seem like there is.  

Also, I got on the scale, and I REALLY did NOT like the number I saw so I ate some gummy bears.  And a 1/2 loaf of homemade banana bread.  Because I needed my fruit serving for the day.  

Or so I tell myself.

I got an awesome message today on facebook from someone who I have known since high school.  I didn't even know that she read my blog, and her words were really helpful for me.

I have to keep in mind that I am not the only one with issues, and eating and living healthily is a challenge for many.  And, I am less alone than I thought.  Which is pretty cool.

And as I was typing my response back, I realized how I sabotage myself every day because I still don't think I am ready (clearly evident by my actions, not what I want/feel) for a different way of living/eating.  This morning I was making excuses for why I didn't want to go to the gym, but made myelf go dance my ass off at Zumba and then lift for BodyPump.  I burned 912 calories before noon today.

And then I came home to make my husband rice krispie treats and chocolate chip cookies for his birthday today.

And then I nearly ate a whole jar of salsa, with some cheesey dip and consumed far too many tortilla chips.

And, I wasn't hungry, and I gorged myself.  Yuk.

Tomorrow is a new day.  I can do better.  I will, I know I will.  

In other news, I swam on Sunday (70 laps!!) using the alphabet suggestion, and it was VERY effective.  Though, what us big girls/guys need to realize, at least for me, most of my vernacular was food related.  It didn't help that I hadn't eaten breakfast before swimming either.
I'd start off good, C: cold, caterpillar, cannon, and then I'd make the mistake of thinking about food: cheese, which then led me to pizza--wait that isn't a C, ok but pizza is so good and it has cheese on it so that works, and it could have cheddar on it so that goes with the C thing... And then I was done with that lap and have said about four things that went with C.  I would breathe a bit at the end of the pool, and then some awesome words would come to me before I started swimming cucumber, cantaloupe, Chudley Cannons, chalupa, courageous, but I couldn't use the words that I thought when I wasn't swimming, I needed different words.  To come back, I thought I would try to think as many Cs from Harry Potter that I could, and then the voices in my head discussed how few Cs there were and I was done with my lap back before I thought of any really good Cs, and I had to move to Ds.  Which went the same way as Cs did.  I did the whole alphabet once through, and then A-I.  Pretty impressed with myself, and I didn't get bored.  Frustrated, hungry, and irritated I don't know more words, but not bored.
Next swim I will have to plan better or read the dictionary (especially for qs, xs, and zs) right before I go.

Also, I am OBSESSED with Downton Abbey.  Absolutely OBSESSED.  I watched five episodes of season 1 on Saturday.  In a row.  I woke up at 4 am on Sunday and couldn't fall back asleep, so I watched episode 5.  I watched the rest of the season yesterday, and now have been watching season 2 online.  I watched three yesterday.  I am waiting for Judge Judy to get done so I can watch some more.  OMGOMGOMG I love the show.  I hate some of the characters so much--it is SO AWESOME!! Super acting, fantastic plot, and awesome time period--I wasn't expecting to love it, or even like it when I started, but DAMN.  It is SO GOOD!!!

And that is my exciting life.  :)

Read and Proceed Carefully:

If you watch Top Chef: Texas, and haven't seen the episode with PeeWee Herman, STOP READING. RIGHT NOW.  Come back later.  When you are all caught up.

Ok.

There are spoilers coming, so if you don't want to know what happened, again, STOP READING!!

The chefs I was really hoping would make it to the end and possibly win it were Bev, Grayson, Chris, Nyesha, and Ed.  I really appreciate good chefs--chefs who are competitive and want to be the best and compete against the best.  My favorites, for the most part, were eliminated early.  With the twist this season, Nyesha battled and won against all the chefs that were eliminated--until Bev.  Bev won to get back on the show, and was brought back this week.  So  it was down to Bev, Ed, Lindsay, Sarah, and Paul.  Two of my peeps, and Paul is seriously growing on me, so I count it as three. :)

That being said, when I saw PeeWee and that the chefs had to make pancakes for the quickfire, I was thrilled.  But when Padma announced that the winner would have a choice between a car or a guaranteed spot in the final four, I was irritated.

Of the final five chefs, I knew that there would be one chef, who, if she won, would take the spot rather than compete--she is like that.  Grating and selfish and mean and rude.  At the beginning of the season, I liked Sarah--she is from "my city" Chicago, and she is a strong chef.  Ed and Paul were talking during the challenge, and said that they would take the car because they wanted to win their spot, and it made me love them even more--maybe Lindsay and Bev would have done the same thing as Sarah, but I want to believe that they too would choose to compete rather than take a hand-out.

And Ed and Sarah made PeeWee's favorite pancakes, and I was hopeful.  But Sarah won, and of course, she took the spot in the final four.

Ed, when he was eliminated. 

And then Ed made the fatal decision to buy those damned smoked oysters--CANNED--and sealed his fate.  He was eliminated, and I am super sad.  Ed was kind to Bev when she came back--after she won her way back.  Everyone else was rude and stand-off-ish.  Ed went balls-to-the-wall every.single. challenge.

I super liked him.  So, now I want either Paul or Bev to win, and I'm not very excited about the finale as I was when Ed was competing.

Blargh.  Well, Survivor starts this week, maybe I will like someone this season that makes it far in the game.

Yes, I like reality tv.  Maybe too much.  But watching these DVR'd shows with L is fun!

First time for everything!

I swam for the first time with my heart rate monitor.  I was nervous about getting it wet, and at one point I thought it wasn't reading things right, but I muddled through and swam:

53 laps.  Only freestyle (one breast, but it bothered my knee). And, I found out that I'd have to swim 66 laps for a mile. I.SUCK.
I wish I didn't get bored so easily--I think I would swim every single day if I didn't get so.freeking.bored.  If there was a way to listen to music when I swam it would help so much!  I lose count too of laps, or I count ahead because I am so bored.

This all came about because this morning I was going to go to the gym with some friends.  My knee had been feeling better, and last week I got Zumba (dance) shoes for my birthday from my MIL and StepFIL, and wore them to two Zumba classes.

I love my shoes. LOVE LOVE LOVE them!

 My knee wasn't aching as horribly as normal, and I even did lunges on Thursday during Body Pump.  And then I literally got up on the wrong side of the bed.  Well, I got out of bed wrong this morning.  Put my foot down all wonky to fetch a ball of socks Hobbes pulled out of L's sock drawer, and jacked my knee up.  So, I didn't go to the gym with my friends, but instead went to my gym and swam.  My knee aches still, and I even swam two laps with just arms at the end of my swim to try to ease up on the mini-jabs of discomfort in my knee area, and tomorrow I will have to go super easy during Zumba and Body Pump.  Again.  :(

In other news, I turned 35 on Wednesday, put on a pair of jeans that used to fit, then were too big, and now fit again (and are almost too snug).  Totally. Depressing.

And life is now complete that you have all seen my Zumba shoes.

Stupid knee

I know that Zumba and squats and lunges are not good for my knee--especially when it still aches.  But I am stubborn and I want to be able to work out since it is the only thing I am doing on a consistent basis (other than bemoaning my unemployment and feeling sorry for myself).  I'm not sure if it is pre-birthday grumpiness or just general grumpiness, but this week has sucked.  L's in Miami until Friday.
I'm just unhappy.  I am working on it.

In other news, I love my Soda machine:

I am obsessed with it.  I am already on CO2 cartridge #2 (the LARGE one too!) (I got it for Christmas from my mother and stepfather in-law).  There is a Coke Zero imitation I don't mind, and the Diet Cola isn't bad either.   L got me the fruit flavors to add and those aren't bad, and the diet grapefruit and diet cran-raspberry are also really good.  But I really just like the fizzy water.  

I also made slutty brownies from Pinterest for bookclub and they are to die for.  But only in small doses.  

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Ponderful...

Currently filled with frustrations.

I am not the only one though, it seems that "falling off the bus" happens to everyone.  Lisa consistently struggles with her eating choices,  Beth has had a great realization about her eating habits, Sheryl is taking time off from the electronic world, and even Kelly, one of my favorite Body Pump instructors--who is super athletic, fit, and THIN, struggles with body image/social expectations of the ideal.

So I am in with an amazing lot of successful and talented women, all struggling as I do every day.  And I allow myself to feel sorry for myself because I don't have a job at the moment--and throw myself a pity party, pin more things on pinterest, read, and eat carbs.

I have been going to the gym at least three times a week.  The new Body Pump release is brutal, so I am not going as often as I should, and I am letting the dreary, blustery, wet, gross weather keep me indoors rather than leave to go to the crowded gym beyond my must-go-to-and-get-my-spot-in-the-back-of-the-room-because-I'm-anal Body Pump classes.  Besides the fact that I jacked up my knee (again) from Zumba two weeks ago.

I have been cooking all our meals.  I meal plan on Sunday, and now L and I don't have a competition as to who can be the least helpful when coming up with a dinner plan when he gets home from work.
What I am making for meals is another story...but I have been taking baby steps.  This week I hope to throw in at least two healthy meals and watch my portions.  Starting small will hopefully help.


It sucked when I realized that someone I once thought was my friend, really isn't my friend, and might not have ever been my friend.  It's hard to get past when there is no meeting of the minds or understanding.

Did you know that the government gives gas vouchers to parents who have had their children taken into custody?  Oh the things I am learning as a CASA about our government.

Ok.  Hopefully that is enough negative nelly-ness for now.

...

I want to walk today--it's actually not raining, but last Friday I totally jacked my right knee (I think during Zumba), and it hurts like it did when I was jogging.  I went to Body Pump on Tuesday (the first workout since Friday), and skipped yesterday to try to rest my knee and I feel disgusting.  I have been totally eating carbs and sugar (way too much) and feel my clothes not fitting.  I am uncomfortable in my own skin and I know what needs to happen.  So I am taking baby steps.  I planned out dinner last night and tonight, and this weekend I want to plan all the meals for next week to avoid mindless crappy eating.

And that is my life in a nutshell.  So exciting that I want to barf.