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Today I had two parents tell me in so many words or less that my expectations were too high, my workload was too much, I am out of touch with students, am making future students leery of future honors courses, should know that students will be unprepared for national standards because it is a Title 1 school, and basically the town I am teaching in isn't a good fit for me.  Oh, and all my students' parents feel this way, but they were the only ones that had the guts to meet with me face-to-face.

With 23 school days left in the year.


I love life.

What I learned today...

If staying at school late, do not stop at the grocery store before you hit the highway and buy a big bag of pirates' booty.  Also, do not take the snickerdoodles that the students didn't eat home in the front seat.

Yes, I did eat the whole bag of pirates' booty (14 points); yes I did eat three snickerdoodles (10 points); yes, I blew 24 points today on absolute crap food.  As I was shoveling and driving I knew I was not hungry after I polished off the booty, but did I stop eating? Nope.  Hunger monster of eating bad food was awoken and wanted satisfaction.

And now I feel gross and wish I would have just went to A&W for the 16 point fried cheese curds and 16 point large root beer instead.

ARGH.

Yay for a new day tomorrow!!!

Medicating

With food.

Not a good choice, and I knew I was doing it as I was doing it.  And, the euphoria that followed for the brief moment-I recognized was from the shitty food I had just shoveled/crammed into my gullet.

But, I'm ok. I know I will do better.  But a student stole from me today and it really, really bothered me.  And L had a bad day and was easily convinced.  I could have had a salad, or asked for fruit instead of that side of ranch, but I'm tracking every point I ate.  It sucks ass, but I'm doing it.

And I need to get back into working out/jogging/C25K.

Ok.  It's almost Friday right?

25 more school days with students.  I can do this.

Knee

It started to hurt after my Week 3 Day 1 go at C25K.  :(  That was Tuesday, so I haven't done anything since then--and I was on a roll.  I might go out tomorrow and test it. I might just have to deal with the pain and keep pushing.

But tonight I just ate some salted carmel balls of awesome:

OH.  MY.  GOD.

I immediately portioned them out (5 points for 11 balls of heaven).  And treat myself when I need something sweet and/or chocolatey.  The cashier man at Trader Joe's said these must be REALLY good because he finds 4-5 bags opened and empty around the store every day.  Oh cashier man, if you only knew the deliciousness.

As I ready myself to head outside for W2D1

upon noticing that my neon bra can be seen through my tanktop (hey--it's 76 degrees here in PDX!)....

Well, if someone really wants to stare at the fat girl's chest as she is heaving and puffing in her attempt at jogging--GO.FOR.IT.

The one where I overate to near explosion.....

Yep.  Two thumbs pointing at me....blargh...two steps forward and about five back....Now my gut hurts and the food high is nearly gone.

Monday...

Blah


L's in Germany for the next week.

I ate like crap this weekend, resulting in a 3.4 + weight gain.

It was a beautiful day outside today.  I completed Week 1 Day 2 today for C25K, but struggled so much with it (I HATE HILLS), that I didn't go any further/walk any farther than I had to--I was DONE at the end of the workout.

Special K cracker chips are the devil.  Should not have bought them, opened them, ate them.  Now I want to eat the whole box.

My dad made chex mix for L, and puppychow for us.  DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.  IT IS SO GOOD.  I tried to hide it in the freezer, but I still know it is there.

I was so hungry tonight, that I tried to slow the shoveling of my food by using my fingers on the hot food.  Now I just have semi-burned fingers. FAIL.

Happy Monday to me!

C25K TAKE 2

I have this awesome friend...we lost touch because I can be a douche, but that is over, and I am lucky she forgave me....well, anyway, I get this message on facebook on Tuesday:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/images/pdfs/fsm14_5K_run.pdf 

I am starting this today!!! On run/walk days I am going to do the running routine where I run for 15-20 seconds of each minute and walk the rest and do that for 30 minutes! Maybe we can do Sunday runs/walks together? I figure it would be silly to try and meet up everyday, since you are driving so much. No worries if you dont want to do this training plan or if you dont want to start right away. But i was thinking... if you wanna do it, maybe we could do sunday mid morning run/walks together. Maybe like 11? that way we can sleep in have breakfast or hang out at home and then get a work out in before lunch?!I am sure you already have a work out routine that you are doing. and believe me, i turned down people when I was in my routine. It is so hard to get into a habit, so if you already have a routine...... NO WORRIES. I just really gotta start doing something daily and you were the first person I asked to see if you wanted to do it together.

So then I sent:

• 
  

  FUN!! I am going to try to do Couch to 5K again--but I will for sure do Sundays whatever plan with you!!! I am going to sign up for the Color Run with my next paycheck--the 9:30 start time?

 To which she replied:

 What is the couch to 5K? is it a training schedule? I wanna do it!!! And i wanna do the color run with you!!!! all i saw was the september run? is there another color run sooner than that? send me a link to whatever you sign up for and I will do whatever you do! sorry i am being so eager! I just get really excited about this kind of stuff!!!

And then:

• You can just tell me to calm the fuck down if i am getting too annoying

And then:

okay so i just re read all my messaged to you. and i need to calm the fuck down. haha. i get too worked up. hahahaha. im going to step away from the computer. ive just been so depressed lately that having something i can look forward to that makes me feel better is overload right now. haha. i just really like you and i love that were hanging out again and i get excited when people are into the same thing and .... okay..... im done... walking away... .atleast for a few hours.

Which basically made me pee my pants because it was EXACTLY what I needed.  Her fired-up-ness prompted me to actually do C25K W1D1 today.  I went 2.39 miles today in 36 minutes, and it was awesome.  I wanted to die when I was jogging, but it still felt awesome.  My Vibrams make me want to run like Phoebe though, and when I was on flat surface, I stepped it up a notch--at least in the first few running busts--by the last two I wanted to stop and cry.  

But anyway, I am super excited to have the support I have in my life right now--it really comes at a perfect time--when I really do need it.  Today I really wanted to leave work early, drive to A&W, get some cheese curds, drive to Burgerville and get a shake and fries and a burger.  I'm not sure why, but I did.  I didn't though.  I stayed until 3:30, ate my minneola in the car as usual, drove my 60 plus minutes because of stupid traffic, put on workout clothes, and went out for the week one, day one workout.

I did then, immediately when I got home, gorge myself with a pile of asparagus, quinoa, and grilled chicken.  And I am thinking about a single-serving chocolate chip cookie...13 points and all....

Well

My trivial weight-loss issues seem beyond lame in light of what happened in MA  yesterday.  :(  I'm glad that Shelbi is ok--though her story scares the bejeebuz out of me--and I knew my aunt and cousin steer clear of running and the city for the most part, so I knew they wouldn't be in the area, but I am lucky.

Thoughts are with the running community and families impacted by stupid, violent, thoughtless people.

I'm BACK BIT%$ES!!!!

And it feels GOOD!!!

Sun is shining and it is windy and beautiful!

Kicking it for the first time in my neighborhood with my Vibrams!

Not too bad considering the hellish hills!

I can tell I am out of shape.

Right where I want to be!

1 oz of gouda=my treat today!

My husband is in Vegas to work for the week (truly, he works.  He gets super tired and crabby being all social for the week since he is a techie-guy that doesn't have to interact with people so much--three solid days of it wears him out!), so tonight I grilled chicken for the rest of the week--weighed out portions, and mixed up some of his chimichuri with 1/2 c of quinoa.  Had some roasted cauliflower and a slice (1oz) of the most delicious Gouda that you could ever imagine.  We had a dinner extravaganza with another couple, and L went all out--including the Gouda of amazing that my husband fell in love with in Germany.  It is HEAVEN.  Of course I didn't portion control this weekend.  1 oz is 3 points.  DAMN.  But OH SO GOOD.  I was craving some fatty cheezy carby dish salivating on my way home, so this is my compromise.  I really do need to go do school stuff--I've been neglecting it in my rigorous healthy eating.

BALANCE.  ARGH.

Full--in the good way!

I had forgotten how good it feels to eat well and be full in the healthy sense--filled with good-for-me foods, rather than junky processed crap!

My dinner=

1/2 of a gigantic sweet potato (that, in baking, caused my smoke detectors to go off 8 times)

1/3 C black beans

1/3 C frozen corn

3/4 C sauteed mushrooms and onions

 zuchinni roasted 

~8 points

And I wasn't able to eat it all.   I have at least 1/3 left.   So. Delicious.

Why don't I stay on this track?

Oh yeah, it is hard, takes planning, preparation, motivation, dedication, and desire.

I've got the desire back.  Planning and prep went well on Sunday, but I still need to keep pushing myself to do my best.  

Celebratory

Counted all the wine last night....and estimated the dinner.  The rosemary bread I made and the mini-buttermilk biscuits weren't as high in points as I anticipated! YAY!

Two salads made for this week's lunches.  Fruit cut up.  Need to get some groceries to get a few more meals pre-made.

Now, I really need to think about a workout plan.

Can't wait

For the hungry-all-the time to go away!!

Did really well this week--except today we are having a dinner gathering and my husband is making the "most delicious" dinner ever, that of course has whole milk, cheeses, and who knows what other amazingness.  Good thing I have all my weekly points as well!

Tomorrow's goal=grocery shopping and meal/snack prepping for the week.

Balance and Lack of Balance...

And the reoccurring theme continues.  Not whining here--I made my bed.  I am thinking of climbing out of it though.  I haven't been on the scale in a really really long time, but I feel that I am at my heaviest.  I feel the heftiness and I know that I have put myself in this situation.

Bad choices in every aspect of my life--food, exercise, drink, mental, professional, financial....

I miss feeling powerful like when I was working out, but I love that I am teaching.  I am frustrated that I haven't found a way to make time to work out on a regular basis.  My "it's an hour drive every morning and an hour drive every evening" excuse in my internal dialogue just isn't cutting it anymore--because what's my excuse on the weekends?  On my week of Spring Break?

My laziness and unwillingness to make more of an effort to lead a more well-rounded life is taking its toll.  I am not a pleasant wife, and I am pretty sure I am not as effective in the classroom as I could be.   I hate how I feel, I hate the heaviness I feel slugging myself around.  I hate how I look, and how no clothes fit or look decent--don't even get me started on the lack of clothes I even can wear anymore.

I know that things need to change.  I am calling the WW number through my health insurance since we get it for free as an Oregon teacher, so I am going to try to get back in a better eating mode at least.  My husband has two weeks this month that he will be out of town, and I am more disciplined when I am flying solo. I have to work on THAT too.

Here we go again....