You'd be good with those "honors" kids...

I'm sick of hearing this. I am sick of the bar being so low that any semblance of academic rigor ignites riots in the classroom.  I have heard the "honors kids" comment several times since taking this long-term job, and many times in my first teaching position.  I am willing to adjust my teaching, but no one is able to explain how--other than dumbing down what I do so much that it becomes pointless.  Which I am NOT willing to do.  I seem to be on an endless rollercoaster of good and horrific days, but I don't remember ever feeling so incompetent or so alone in my whole life.  I am "canceling" three of my assignments because I can't take it anymore.  Yes, I am letting them win and yes it bothers me.  But I don't want to suffer through the excuses, or the garbage writing, or the mean comments I am bombarded with every.single.day.  I have been in a no-win situation from day one, and haven't felt supported, and still don't.  Rather, I feel alone, judged, and incompetent.  I was even asked today if I "even like[d]" teaching by the person who is supposed to be "co-teaching" with me.  WTF? Who are you to ask me that?  [I had several paragraphs here detailing certain issues, but as I am growing up, I am being smarter about my online presence.  It sucks.]  I know I need a thicker skin. I know it more than anyone can imagine.  My life would be so much better if I had that thick skin.

Warm body.

I know that many say the challenges that arise in one's life are only as much as the individual can handle.

I'm really tired of repeating this to myself.

When asked what I was going to do this summer (in the middle of my class mind you, by the other "teacher" in the room who is supposed to be co-teaching with me), my response, instantly, is "I have to find a job."

I can't even think of anything else.  All that weighs on my mind is what am I going to do when I am done with this position and I am left with no income, and no job in sight.

Add to that the challenges I am facing in the classroom right now, because I am NOT a warm body, and because I DO care, and I am at my breaking point.

I am not working out, I am not eating well.  I am not making good decisions, and I have to put a stop to my bad choices.

And maybe I'll just be that warm body that everyone wishes I was.

Working. And loving/hating every minute of it!

And hating it only because it is ROUGH to come into someone's classroom with only 8 weeks left in the year.  ROUGH to come into a classroom where academics weren't the priority which is the opposite of my mentality and approach to teaching.

But I am loving the students, the challenge, the planning, the preparation, the grading (yes! I know!!!!), BUT I HAVE  A JOB!!!  Even if it ends June 15, I am so lucky to be working and teaching and doing what I LOVE!!!!

My husband isn't a fan of unions. Especially when I tell him how the majority of people who are in the department I am a part of complain about everything.  About prep time loss and all the work they have to do and no time to do it all and what? they are changing the standards again?

And all I can do is feel so lucky to have a job.  And envious of the direction the district is going in for the students--exciting and positive changes for the better--to help students!!

I must, I will, remember this in the future--if I ever get a permanent teaching job and things are rough--teaching is awesome.  Working to be better for my students is awesome.  I am so lucky.

Oh yeah...working out has taken a back seat.  But I have still gotten to the gym at least one time a week since I started back working, which is HUGE for me.  I am making myself go tomorrow and will fight the tired.

And my lunch period isn't until 1--so I am eating MUCH less.  Well, until I get home.  I'm working on it.  And I have to avoid buying cake.  (Safeway's sheet cake sliced individually--but HUGE--soooooo good....)