Dear points,

I know that you have been supremely helpful since the end of July.  You have allowed me to fit into pants that I haven't been able to wear before (why I own them, that is another story). Also, when I visited my old school to drop off letters of recommendation for previous students, everyone who saw me commented on how great I look, and one of my old students even asked if I had lost weight.  It was definitely the mini-ego boost I needed. 
BUT, I am home here in OR for only 2 full days--3 nights.  I just ate a chocolate chip waffle that L made for me, and this morning I may have eaten 2 strawberry toaster strudels.  And last night, I may have attended Red Robin and had 2 fried cheese sticks and the chicken ciabatta sandwich.  And fries.  With ranch.  And, on the plane, I might have ate an entire bag of muddy buddy chex mix.  And I also might have had an Einstein asiago bagel with egg whites and maybe a cinnamelt from McDonald's for breakfast at the airport yesterday.

Ok.  Sunday it stops, but I so understand now how and why I have such a weight issue. I am fully aware that I am making unhealthy choices, and it doesn't have to be THIS bad, so I will have to dial it down some. 

WI Tuesday from Wisconsin...

234.8!!!


-2.4


Total since starting WW= -32.2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY ME!!!

WI Tuesday from Wisconsin...

237.2

-1.6

-29.8 total since starting WW

Not too shabby if I do say so myself.  Especially after the Toppers and Taco Bell debacle.

How I grieve...Part III (& not as healthy choices)

So, after yesterday's sleeping marathon, I happened to get an email from my mom about my grandpa being in the hospital.  His kidneys aren't doing what they should and he tore a tendon in a bicep from falling.

Grandpa in the hospital today.

I went today at about 11:30 this morning.  Thought we could watch the Packer game together and chill.  Well, he wasn't in the room when I got there so I had a mini-panic attack, but he was only getting an MRI.  And then, at about 1PM, the doctor came in.

My grandpa is dying and doesn't have much more time.  The levels of whatever it is that the doctor was telling me about were ridonkulous.  The doctor said that if he or I had those same levels in our systems, we'd be pools of jelly.  The kidney thing has been a problem for quite a while for my grandpa to have adapted to the point that he is still normally functioning and actually himself with such atrocious levels of whatever it is that it is.

The doctor also told my grandpa that it is the beginning of the end.  That of all the ways to go, this was one of the more peaceful/painless ways.  He admitted it was morbid, but grandpa has been alive for 94 years, and doesn't want dialysis, and it is the reality.  I appreciated that.  I don't appreciate what this is doing to my mom or my sister.  I knew that after we lost gramma, grandpa wouldn't want to hang on much longer, I just didn't expect to be so shortly after.
Initially, my blog today was going to be about how much I miss my gramma, and wondering if I would always feel like crap on Sundays now that this was the day I lost gramma.  And how I saw a beautiful hawk nosedive into a truck in front of me on the highway and I saw him twitch and die, and how I just bawled after seeing that.
But now I am losing my last grandparent. I have school tomorrow, and am just not totally functioning.  And then, for dinner, I made one of the shittiest decisions and ate the following:

And though it was comforting and warm and wonderful (I only ate 1/2 the topperstix and 1/2 the quesadilla), I recorded the points and now feel disgusting.  Worth it? Nope.  I knew it wouldn't be, but I did it anyway. I really have to work on that.

Reflections and Explanations

I haven't been posting as often as I'd like.  That is for sure.  BUT, I also haven't been cooking much.  I won't lie, my budget is super tight, I am working extremely hard subbing (which I hadn't planned), and I can't seem to find the time/energy to really go to town with experimenting with recipes.
I also might have needed some time for me much more desperately than I thought--today I slept.  The entire day.  I got home last night and slept from about 12:30-8.  Then ate a snack.  Slept from about 8:30-10:30.  Puttzed on the computer.  Slept from  11:30-2:30.  Tried to get motivated to get up and run.  Fell back asleep from 3:00-6.  My sister woke me up to say goodbye, and asked if I had even gotten up at all.  Then I fell back asleep from about 6:30-8.  And I am looking forward to going back to bed now that I had a decent meal that didn't consist of Quaker Cheddar mini-popcorn cakes. 

I am just really hoping with my whole being that I AM NOT GETTING SICK.

This is my exciting life.  During the week, add to the sleeping-- planning for my students, reading their writing, driving, and packing my lunches and that is what things have become.  I haven't been able to visit my grandpa as much as I'd like--and to be honest, it is still really hard to go there. 

One thing that I am VERY proud of though is how I am eating at school.  Lunch, while a pain in the butt to get ready every day, is my redeeming positive at the moment.
I know that WW sometimes sucks people into habits that become repetitive and boring.  For me, if I find something I am really enjoying, I don't mind the repetitiveness.  If it is working, I will keep doing it.

My lunches as of late:
1 yogurt (Yoplait light: Key Lime, Apricot Mango, Very Cherry, Strawberry Kiwi, Harvest Peach, Apple Turnover) --2 points
1 or 1/2 serving of Old Dutch Pretzel Rods--one serving = 32 rods (yep, all pre-counted and pre-bagged the night before)-1 serving = 2 points
1/2 c fat free cottage cheese with salt and pepper --I love the mini gladware containers--they are the perfect size to hold this portion.  = 1.5 points
locally processed/harvested turkey bacon--the slices are mini, but I still count them the same as processed turkey bacon--3 slices = 2 points
1 apple--usually honeycrisp--bigger and not mealy, but they cost MUCHO DINERO.  (1.99/lb!)  So, I tried a jongald (sp.), and it was good too.  I pre-slice it and bag it.  =2 points (it is a bigger apple)
Sometimes:
flatout wrap (light) =1point + turkey slices (1 point) + 1 Tbsp. Parmesan cheese (.5 pt.) + dijion mustard (0 pt)
WW string cheese 1 piece = 1 pt
Leftover of some sort--like hashbrown casserole 

This is after having a bagel thin for breakfast (1 pt.) and a coke zero.

I saw two of my friends from grad school yesterday, and they noticed and complimented me that I look different and that my shirt was baggy (it might have been because it was a XXL, but I didn't tell them!), and I am hoping to lose 10 more pounds before the end of the month--I get to go back to OR for the weekend.  You have no idea how excited I am.  Or how much I need to see L. And my cats.  And drive my car.

Ok.  I am going to take a shower and go back to bed.  I have to be more productive tomorrow.  I procrastinated with my homework for my online grad class again, and I have student work to read and planning to do.  Just not tonight.

WI Tuesday from Wisconsin...

238.8

+.5

Not as bad as I thought, and I have a Friday coming up with friends, so I need to be totally on track this week.  I'd like to lose about 10 more pounds before I go back to OR at the end of the month...not really realistic, but I can try.

How I grieve...Part II

Ok. I need to sit and write, but my life has taken a crazy turn.
I won't lie.  Weigh-in tomorrow is going to suck.  I am pretty sure I've gained because of the "splurging" I've done.  L flew in last Tuesday, and I happened to eat ice cream Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  :(  Definitely a food I must stay away from.  I just want more and more and more.

He left Saturday, and I consoled myself with a Belt's flurry of homemade peanutbutter cups and m&ms.  Yum.

Yeah.  Definitely NOT WW friendly.

But, my efforts will be stalled because of the excess.  Also the bag of chips I ate in the last two days. In two sittings. In the car. Driving back.  YUK.

The one positive?  I've kept up C25K.  I start WEEK 6 on Wednesday!! Today I ran a full 20 minutes! I wanted to die, and I am pretty sure I have NEVER ran that long for the full time, but I did it!! YAY!

WI Tuesday from Wisconsin...

 A little later than I'd like--but oh well.

238.3!!!

-2.4lbs.
YAY ME.  I guess.

How I grieve...Part I: Acorn Squash and Cheddar Garlic Biscuits

Honey (top) & Maple Syrup (bottom)

I'm not going to lie, my gramma LOVED to eat.  She loved food, and loved to bake.  She was definitely a food pusher, all the way up to the end, and I know that my portion control/lack of ability to recognize fullness comes from her.  She always let us know that we were welcome to eat ANYTHING we wanted to when we were visiting, and even when I would explain that I had joined WW and was trying to be careful with what I ate, she still offered me bites of her dessert (and meal) when I'd sit with her as she ate to help her.  
Last night, after spending the day with her, I went for a LONG jog/walk.  Today, when I got back after she passed, I started these two recipes in order to fight the urge to get in my car and drive to Culvers and then Belts (an amazing ice cream local joint).  


I've never had acorn squash.  I've also only made pancakes with Bisquick. But I needed to do something, because going to bed at 4:30 in the afternoon just isn't a good solution. 


(**Note after eating.  Dear Acorn Squash, I love you.  A great deal.  YUM!)
Acorn Squash
Pre heat oven to 375 - 400 degrees F.
Scoop the seeds out of each half with a spoon
1 Tbsp. butter
1 tsp. honey (on one half)
1 tsp. maple syrup (on the other half)
1 tsp. brown sugar--each half
salt and pepper
Place upright on a greased cookie sheet and roast for about 1 hour or until tender when flesh is poked with a fork. (I used a glass bread tin)

Each half = 3 pts. each

Pre-oven

Cheddar-Garlic Biscuits (recipe halved as per the Bisquick box)
Preheat oven to 450 degrees.

Post-oven.

1 c reduced fat Bisquick
1/3 c skim milk
1/4 c shredded reduced fat cheddar cheese
garlic powder
minced garlic (my addition--I super-heart garlic)
Bake 8-10 minutes (recipe suggested on a cookie sheet, but I used a muffin tin)
6 biscuits: 2 pts. each

My dinner! I ate the Maple Syrup one--YUM!!

Dessert= Moonstruck Chocolate Pumpkin Pie Truffle.  OMG. TO. DIE. FOR.  YUM.  Totally worth 2 points!!!

The biscuit was a little dry, but really, they hit the spot, and for two points, I'm not complaining. 

And that was all.

Gramma Winter 2009

Gramma playing bingo Summer 2010

Gramma died right before kickoff.  She wasn't much of a football fan anyway.  She is finally at peace, but that doesn't make it any easier.  I know that I need to not be so selfish, and not medicate with food (if I ever get my appetite back).

If I can make it through this, I am way stronger than I thought.

I never thought it could be this bad, but it is.  My gramma is in the process of dying.  I am pretty sure she is in the final stages, yesterday she was unresponsive and almost comatose, but today she is alert and moaning and sweating and asking for help and anxious, but can squeeze my hand and say that she loves me back.  But seeing her in pain and upset is beyond upsetting, and I worry about my mom.  She shouldn't see this.  No one should.  Thank goodness for the awesome caregivers here at the assisted living facility that she lives in.  They love her.  All of them came in yesterday before they left for the day to say goodbye--and then came to see her this morning to say hello.  It is such a blessing.