You'd be good with those "honors" kids...

I'm sick of hearing this. I am sick of the bar being so low that any semblance of academic rigor ignites riots in the classroom.  I have heard the "honors kids" comment several times since taking this long-term job, and many times in my first teaching position.  I am willing to adjust my teaching, but no one is able to explain how--other than dumbing down what I do so much that it becomes pointless.  Which I am NOT willing to do.  I seem to be on an endless rollercoaster of good and horrific days, but I don't remember ever feeling so incompetent or so alone in my whole life.  I am "canceling" three of my assignments because I can't take it anymore.  Yes, I am letting them win and yes it bothers me.  But I don't want to suffer through the excuses, or the garbage writing, or the mean comments I am bombarded with every.single.day.  I have been in a no-win situation from day one, and haven't felt supported, and still don't.  Rather, I feel alone, judged, and incompetent.  I was even asked today if I "even like[d]" teaching by the person who is supposed to be "co-teaching" with me.  WTF? Who are you to ask me that?  [I had several paragraphs here detailing certain issues, but as I am growing up, I am being smarter about my online presence.  It sucks.]  I know I need a thicker skin. I know it more than anyone can imagine.  My life would be so much better if I had that thick skin.

Warm body.

I know that many say the challenges that arise in one's life are only as much as the individual can handle.

I'm really tired of repeating this to myself.

When asked what I was going to do this summer (in the middle of my class mind you, by the other "teacher" in the room who is supposed to be co-teaching with me), my response, instantly, is "I have to find a job."

I can't even think of anything else.  All that weighs on my mind is what am I going to do when I am done with this position and I am left with no income, and no job in sight.

Add to that the challenges I am facing in the classroom right now, because I am NOT a warm body, and because I DO care, and I am at my breaking point.

I am not working out, I am not eating well.  I am not making good decisions, and I have to put a stop to my bad choices.

And maybe I'll just be that warm body that everyone wishes I was.

Working. And loving/hating every minute of it!

And hating it only because it is ROUGH to come into someone's classroom with only 8 weeks left in the year.  ROUGH to come into a classroom where academics weren't the priority which is the opposite of my mentality and approach to teaching.

But I am loving the students, the challenge, the planning, the preparation, the grading (yes! I know!!!!), BUT I HAVE  A JOB!!!  Even if it ends June 15, I am so lucky to be working and teaching and doing what I LOVE!!!!

My husband isn't a fan of unions. Especially when I tell him how the majority of people who are in the department I am a part of complain about everything.  About prep time loss and all the work they have to do and no time to do it all and what? they are changing the standards again?

And all I can do is feel so lucky to have a job.  And envious of the direction the district is going in for the students--exciting and positive changes for the better--to help students!!

I must, I will, remember this in the future--if I ever get a permanent teaching job and things are rough--teaching is awesome.  Working to be better for my students is awesome.  I am so lucky.

Oh yeah...working out has taken a back seat.  But I have still gotten to the gym at least one time a week since I started back working, which is HUGE for me.  I am making myself go tomorrow and will fight the tired.

And my lunch period isn't until 1--so I am eating MUCH less.  Well, until I get home.  I'm working on it.  And I have to avoid buying cake.  (Safeway's sheet cake sliced individually--but HUGE--soooooo good....)

Irony? Bad Luck? Both.

So.  School was closed for tomorrow.  The principal announced this to the students congregating on the turf after they walked out of class to support the teachers.  If the teachers strike and I don't show up to work, I lose my job.  If I cross the picket line, I lose the respect of professionals I'd have to work with for the remainder of the year.  And any possibility of working in that district ever.

Anyone want to be me?


All.I.Want.To.Do.Is.Teach.
:(

Pinky toe...

In the door.  On Monday, I start a long-term substitute teaching position at a high school about 29.1 miles away (about a 45 minute drive).  It will be for freshman English and junior English and I am going to do everything I can to keep my head down, work hard, keep my mouth shut, and get a good letter of recommendation.  It is for the rest of the school year, and I am holding back my excitement at actually being in the classroom again.  Mainly because the teachers in the district have voted to strike if contract issues aren't resolved, and then I am totally screwed.  Even though I am not part of the union, if I cross the picket line to work, I will be considered a scab and will never work in the area again.  Never mind that I won't be able to get unemployment and I have no money.  I really hate unions right now.  I wish just once, unions would help me rather than screw me over.  I know that they have done amazing things, and that they are needed, I just have had too many bad experiences to be excited and supportive right now.  So it looks like I will get to work about a week, and then there is the potential that they go on strike.  Awesome.  

Today's Project (don't let the picture fool you, there WAS a pietastrophy!)

I am still looking for where I found the recipe, and I'll update when I find it.  It is a nummy lemon meringue pie (if you were wondering) homemade crust and everything!! I don't think it will be as lemony as I'd like (I usually add more than the recipe calls for, but I only had one full lemon and 1/2 an older lemon to work with, and for a couple of tablespoons extra I didn't want to drive to the store.

Surprise.

I haven't gone to the gym Monday, yesterday, and I am avoiding it today.
I have been eating like absolute sh!t, and I think that has a huge part to play in why I feel so gross and lethargic.
I am sick of the rain.

I'm mainly sad that I am being so unhealthy and suffering the price, all because of my own choices.

Awkward.

I spent Body Pump today finding new ways to avoid looking at someone's ass that was hanging out of her pants.  

It wasn't much of an ass at all, so I am thankful for that because if she had an ass, I would have seen crack and not flesh, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  

I am OCD when it comes to classes at the gym.  I really have this thing where I HAVE to be in the back of the room--preferably in the corner away from the door/windows.  I get super anxious if I am not the first one in the room before anyone else, so much so that on Mondays and Wednesdays I go to the 9:30 Zumba class before Body Pump (10:30) at ~8:55 to get my "spot."  

I know.  

Thursdays there is a Silver Sneakers class before Body Pump (this is another post in itself, but seriously, the elderly participants make my heart melt), and I sit in front of the door on the floor reading until that class is done.  I get my spot, set up my stuff, and three people set up in front of me.  The woman directly in front of me is shorter, so the tall skinny woman in front of her were hard to miss.  

And I wish I would have missed it.  The pants debacle is now permanently seared in my mind.  

About halfway through the squat track (the second track of the workout--only about 6 minutes into class) I noticed a fleshy spot on tall skinny woman's ass area.  I didn't think much of it, hell, I live in Portland.  Have you seen any episodes of Portlandia?  People here are EFFING WEIRD.  But the fleshy area kept drawing my gaze.   

I thought to myself during dead lifts as my eye kept seeing the BRIGHT FLESHY SPOT WHERE AN ASS CRACK SHOULD HAVE BEEN:  what if it was me with a gaping hole in the ass of my workout pants, and there were MANY people behind me who could totally see my ass-area and I was bending and thrusting during dead lifts and clean and presses?  I'd sure as hell want to be told about my enormous faux-pa.  And people, my ass is enormous.  Hence why I don't wear anything that could potentially expose flesh in the ass area.  

But then I thought, maybe she's got faux flesh-colored fabric on her ass of her pants--like the stuff ice skaters have on their leotards to not have a boob fly free during a jump spin, or whatever purpose it serves.  

I wrestled with this argument in my brain for the entirety of class.  Ultimately, I spent the rest of class attempting to divert my eyes from the backside of tall skinny woman.  Dear god though, I had to just close my eyes during dynamic lunges.  

And then, after cool down and tall skinny woman was putting away her equipment, I noticed that her ass was all black--she had zipped her ass back in her pants! HOORAY!!!  Luckily, major trauma was averted because tall skinny woman had no ass to speak of, and no crack was exposed that I am aware of.  So I count my blessings. 

*Please note, tall, skinny woman's pants weren't pink, nor was there a tie back (it was a zipper), BUT if you use your imagination, and envision the flesh-colored hole about two-three inches lower, and black pants and no tie, that is what I got to see (actually, had to avoid seeing) for the duration of Body Pump.  

It impacted me so much that I immediately had to DRAW A PICTURE when I got in my car after class.  I am not artistic.  But I wanted to remember to blog about the incident.

I am FAR from artistic. Please note, she really was that skinny.  And note that I was also trying to draw her see-through shirt over her black sports bra, which seems to be all the rage right now.  P.S. I suck at drawing. 

Other stuff beyond ass viewage.  I just thought I wasn't a "good" sleeper, and that whatever was "wrong" with me was something I'd have to deal with.  So what if I woke up at 2AM and couldn't fall back asleep until 4, but then I'd sleep until 7 or 8.  This morning was no different, except I did this three times (sleep, wake up for an hour or so, repeat).  And a friend posted (randomly) on facebook this story, and now I feel much better.  Or, more "normal" and less like there is something wrong with me, because it doesn't really seem like there is.  

Also, I got on the scale, and I REALLY did NOT like the number I saw so I ate some gummy bears.  And a 1/2 loaf of homemade banana bread.  Because I needed my fruit serving for the day.  

Or so I tell myself.